Humor Thread

[Donald Branscom]

Man walks into a blacksmiths shop.
Without asking he just picks up a horseshoe which was still hot.
He immediately throws it across the room.

The Blacksmith says sarcastically, " hot huh?"

The man answers , No , just not that much to know about horseshoes.

[damianarabbitry]

4 birds were eating crap ouy of the barn yard, when they got full, they went to rest on the rake handel on the fence.... one bird takes off to the north. Makes it about 10 feet and falls out of the sky dead.......The 2ed one take off take off to the south. Makes it about 10 feet and falls out of the sky dead.......The 3rd bird takes off to the west. Makes it about 10 feet and falls out of the sky dead.......The last bird takes off to the east. Makes it about 10 feet and falls out of the sky dead.......





Moral of the story is.............................DON'T FLY OFF THE HANDEL WHEN YOU AR FULL OF CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[strube1369]

New preacher

Small town church. Brand new preacher. First church assignment, first service. Eight o'clock comes and goes and only one person is in the pews. Old farmer. Preacher waits awhile, looks again. same lonely old farmer. Preacher walks down to him and says, "I really didn't know what to expect but it looks like you are the only one showing up. Should I go ahead and preach?" Farmer says, "Son, I don't know about preachin', I only know about farmin' and ranchin', but if I went out to feed the cows and only one showed up, I'd go ahead and feed her." Preacher says, "You are right. I am ashamed I even asked." So he gives a sermon to write home about. Lots of homilies and everything. Talks for two hours. Ends sermon, goes to door and shakes farmer's hand. Asks, "What did ya think?" Farmer says, "Son, I don't know about preachin', I only know about farmin' and ranchin', but if I went out to feed the cows and only one showed up, I wouldn't give her the whole doggone load..."

[Bob the Welder]

Two guys are walking into a convenience store. One notices a dog on the sidewalk, bent over licking his privates and says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that!" to which the other says "You probably could, but you better pet him first."

[davinci2010]

Sunday morning, middle of church service, The devil himself shows up. Demons running around and fire spewing all about him made quite a scare. All of the worshipers ran from the building screaming. Lucifer was quite proud of himself, but then noticed an old man sitting non plused in the front row. The devil raises his booming voice and asks the man, " Don't you know who I am? ". The man replies calmly, yep. The devil, getting irritated, screams " Aren't you afraid?". The man still calm, replies-nope. The devil was infuriated by this time. He shoots fire all about and uses his loudest voice possible. He asks the man WHY NOT?!!! The man, not phased a bit, replies- I was married to your sister for 50 years.

[martini35]

Re:Humor

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
================
Motorhome Insurance Companies

[triplebservices]

the funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

[triplebservices]

From Alabama

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

[triplebservices]

Grade this joke:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Terrible Hilarious


Current grade is: 5.22


Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

[KBar]

Bump

Common Tools Defined

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Bert]

that has GOT to be the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bryce_burden]

Lawyers vs Farmers

A big city-slicker lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gush'n' from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and dragged himself to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[KBar]

I have to agree, post 292 hit home with me. I got my head messed up at the playground when I was little, got a lecture when I got home, then to the Dr to get sewn up, no pain medication, no hospital, no insurance, I was lucky I got the day off school to get fixed. If only Mom would have known, it scarred me for life, thats worth how much in pain & suffering - Heck, we were just lucky to be alive and have parents that cared and beat sense into us when we needed it. Look how we turned out today, well, some of us -

[tnjind]

Dang man,
post 292 is so true, I miss "the good ole days".

post 293 is fuuunny.

[beamwalker]

What will make a relationship last

1. A woman that will be loyal to you and never even think about cheating

2. A woman that will cook for you every day

3. A woman that will clean the house

4. A woman that can make you laugh and has a sense of humor






5. (Most important) Make sure that you never ever, ever, let women # 1-4 find out about each other!!!