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  • beamwalker
    replied
    Marriage - Part I

    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

    His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be *** here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."

    (**** SHE'S GOOD!)

    ************************************
    Marriage (Part II)

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

    ******************************
    Marriage (Part III)

    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

    (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

    ******************************************
    Marriage (Part IV)

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

    (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

    **************************************

    Marriage (Part V)

    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

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  • beamwalker
    replied
    This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.

    "This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.

    "Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."

    "Why is that?" the first guy asks.

    "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

    "Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.

    "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

    "No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.

    "Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that the walks over to the window and opens it.

    He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20...30...40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

    "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

    "Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

    "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

    "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.

    "Well what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20...30...40... 50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

    After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Selling Tomatoes

    An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

    The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

    Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing whereto turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

    During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

    Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

    By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

    Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you had all of that five years ago!"

    " Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

    Which brings us to the moral of the story:

    Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A salesman knocks on the door and a little old lady answers. He asked if he could have a few minutes of her time, she says sure come on in. They sit down and she offers him some peanuts. While he was talking he ate most of them gone, and said he was sorry for eating so many. She said, that's ok with these new dentures all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat beside him.
    The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
    "Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
    "Oh man.... I've been transferred to Texas," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in Texas....and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate...."
    "Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
    The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
    "Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Houston."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:


    Dear Abby,
    A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
    These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


    Dear Abby,
    What can I do about all the ***, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?

    Dear Abby,
    I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

    Dear Abby,
    I'm a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half
    the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

    Dear Abby,
    I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
    happen again.

    Dear Abby,
    Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

    Dear Abby,
    I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?

    Dear Abby,
    My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

    Dear Abby,
    I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

    Dear Abby,
    My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

    Dear Abby,
    You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in *** to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in *** and he is a doctor.....
    Now what do I do?

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    The Old Man's Job Application

    This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart in Arkansas

    Name: (insert name here)

    ***: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least one who will cooperate)

    Desired Position: Company president or Vice President, but seriously, whatever is available, If I was in a position to be picky, i wouldnt be applying here in the first place.

    Desired Salary: 185,000 a year, plus stock options and a Micheal Ovitz style severance package, if thats not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle

    Education: yes

    Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility

    Previous salary: A lot less than what im worth

    Most notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post it notes

    Reason for leaving: It sucked

    Hours to work: Any

    Preferred Hours: 1:30-3:30 on Monday Tuesday and Thursday

    Do you have any special skills?: yes but they are better suited for an intimate environment

    May we contact your current employer?: If i had one, would i be here?

    Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?

    Do you have a car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, do you have a car that runs?

    Have you received any special awards or recognitions?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, or so they tell me.

    Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks, yes

    What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously welathy dumb, ***y, blonde supermodel who thinks im the greatest thing since sliced bread, well actually id like to be doing that now

    Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Oh yes, absolutely

    Sign here: Sagittarius

    Wal-mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir, NC., were in the local
    Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

    They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

    The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

    Billy Bob won First Place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and
    extra long spaghetti.

    Bubba won Sixth Prize; a toilet brush.

    About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

    Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great! I love
    spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you. How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good", replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to toilet paper.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
    1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
    2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
    3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
    4. Rottweiler: Make me.
    5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
    6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
    7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
    8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
    9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
    10. ****er Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
    11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
    12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
    13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
    14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



    How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
    Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
    "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
    ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a
    really tall tree.

    The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear
    climbed down and went away.

    So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this
    time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree,
    the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher
    still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

    Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two
    bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

    Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
    "Well I can think of one thing" the man offered
    "Once on a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota I came up on a gang of high testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I insisted they leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."
    "So, I approached the largest and most tattoed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over and yanked out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled,"now back off! Or you'll have to answer to me!"
    St. Peter was impressed "When did this happen?"
    "Just a couple of minutes ago"

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    An Irishman Paddy Devine went to see his doctor the doctor sighed and said" I've got bad news you've got cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order"
    Paddy shocked walked into the waiting room where his son sat "Son we Irish celebrate when things are good and when things are bad. In this case things are bad I have cancer. Lets go to the pub and have a few pints."
    After 3 or 4 pints things were less somber and there was some laughs. Some of Paddy friends came over to see what they were celebrating.
    Paddy told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS" The friends gave Paddy their condolences.
    After the friends left Paddy's son leans over and whispered "dad I thought the doctor said you were dying of cancer you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS?"
    Paddy Devine leans over and says "I don't want any of them marrying your mother after I'm gone"

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
    Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

    When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
    I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

    I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

    Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when
    a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

    The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed
    to the twosome. After two holes they were even.

    The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched. How about
    playing for five bucks a hole?"

    The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but
    agreed to the terms. The second guy then won the remaining
    sixteen holes with ease.

    As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting
    his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
    neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    The golf pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to
    return the money.

    The Priest said, "No, you won fair and square and I was foolish
    to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

    The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest answered, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
    and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and
    father along, I'll marry them."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    college redneck

    A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

    Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

    "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

    "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

    So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

    "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

    "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

    "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

    His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

    "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recline r, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

    The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' S.O.B.!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

    Leave a comment:

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