Humor Thread

[KEENAVV]

The beamwalker thread

The beamwalker thread

[beamwalker]

everyone is invited to contribute and share a little fun. but i feel like the class clown

[beamwalker]

Things not to say on a first date

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am
__________________

[beamwalker]

Subject: LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

[beamwalker]

Out of the mouth of small children

Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

[beamwalker]

Subject: Engineering Test


The Southern Association of Professional Engineers is sick and tired
of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. We challenge any
so-called smart Yankees to take this exam administered by the SAPE.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in our front yard: a '65 Ford Fairlane, '69 Chevy. Chevelle, or a '64
Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense
the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2,700 RPM. The density
of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is
2.3 acres. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be
consumed before the trees are cut down?

5. If every old refrigerator in the South vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone
layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24 inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound
dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3. 7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children
place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their
electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle
with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operated a NFPA Class I, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The
mine employs 200 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning
of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the 3rd shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to
breed a country-western singer?

[beamwalker]

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working
east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls:
$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the
sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line
to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man
thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit
churches in Seattle, Tulsa, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee and around
the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and the same
answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a
church in Brady, Texas, he saw the usual golden telephone. But,
behold, THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to
talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country
and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been
told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the
other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35
cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now......
It's a local call."

[beamwalker]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow . The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo

"Defrost the chicken."

[beamwalker]

MAN OF THE HOUSE!!!!Subject: Man of the House
>
> A man had just finished reading his book "Man Of The House"
>while making his commute home from work.

> When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
>directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From
>now on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
>law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
>eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
>dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
>finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
>
>
> His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The Funeral
>Director is my guess."

[beamwalker]

o get it back on topic

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[beamwalker]

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
__________________

[beamwalker]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any *****... You must be a lawyer."
__________________

[beamwalker]

Blonde Update:

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other,
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo!!! can you see Florida.......?????"
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a
few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

River Walk
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Blonde on the Sun
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

[beamwalker]

Redneck Vasectomy:

After having their 11th child, a Redneck couple decided that was
enough because they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, is to go home, get a
cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your
ear and count to 10.

The Redneck said to the doctor, I may not be the sharpest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.

Trust me, said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count:
1 -
2 -
3 -
4 -
5.....

..at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky,
Arkansas, Mississippi, South Carolina, West Virginia, and some parts of
Texas.

[beamwalker]

Gramma's birth control pills............

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life, finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of
all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.