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  • beamwalker
    replied
    FBI Joke
    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

    Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

    The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

    The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions.

    He took the gun and went into the room.

    All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

    She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

    After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

    "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.

    "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A commuter, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual."

    He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and said, "Officer,what's the hold-up?"

    The officer replied,"President Bush is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy, or that his tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

    "How much have you got so far?"

    The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A new wine for seniors

    California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic, It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
    The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
    facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.

    Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on the London Underground next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

    He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath." "Well, I'll be ****ed," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised." I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
    "Surely I can't look that old?"

    I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new
    dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
    remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in
    my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I
    had a secret crush on, way back then??

    Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This
    balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have
    been my classmate. Hmmm,...or could he???

    After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High
    School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

    "When did you graduate?" I asked.

    He answered, "in 1959. Why do you ask?"

    "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely.

    Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled SOB asked, "What did you teach?

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa:

    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
    of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
    corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High
    fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term
    harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
    thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat
    it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
    grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
    raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Signs:

    On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"


    On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."



    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



    At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in"



    On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."



    On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."



    Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."



    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."



    On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"



    At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."



    On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."



    In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire

    and take appropriate action."





    On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."



    At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for,

    you've come to the right place."



    On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."



    In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."



    On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."



    At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."



    Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary we hear you coming."



    In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"



    At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."



    In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."



    In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait"




    At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."



    And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies & before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him & he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use & trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, & figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans & strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of & says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back & see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back & thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, & just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    DUSTY UNDERWEAR
    One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"


    She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in
    >> a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were
    >> strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
    >> everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
    >> could move apart and then slide back together again.
    >>
    >> The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
    >>
    >> The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
    >> ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
    >> idea'r what it is."
    >>
    >> While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
    >> lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
    >> button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
    >> room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
    >> circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
    >> to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
    >> light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
    >> gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
    >>
    >> The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
    >> his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Self-Evident Truths About Pets

    * Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

    * Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

    * Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

    * Dogs shed, cats shred.

    * I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

    * No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

    * Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

    * I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

    * Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

    * We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

    * Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Women are evil by nature........

    A ***y woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
    She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately
    She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard..
    Are you the manager she asked: softly stoking his face with both hands.
    Actually no..he replied.
    Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him: she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    I'm afraid I can't..breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do...
    Yes I need for you to give him a message:
    She continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
    gently.

    What should I tell him: the bartender managed to say...

    Tell him...she whispered:
    There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Way down in Lou'siana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come for her to deliver. So he took her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

    She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Ain't that grand!"

    Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet! "The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter! She's a purty lil thang, too."

    Bubba got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy! You must be mighty proud."

    When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you 'member that nite what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that thar 3-in-1 Oil?"

    She said, "Yeah, I do."

    Bubba replies, "Man, it's a good thang we didn't use no WD-40!"

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a "thank-you" note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those idiots deducted $95.00 in taxes.

    Leave a comment:

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