Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Valentines Day. "I'd love to be six again,” she replied.



On the morning of Valentines Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.



What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.



Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt up side down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.



Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews. What a fabulous adventure!



Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed in to bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"



Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.

[beamwalker]

Application to date my daughter


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.



1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ______________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q ___________ G.P.A.______________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ________________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________________ ____________

5. HOME ADDRESS ____________________ CITY/STATE ____________ ZIP ____________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? __________________________________

If No, EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ ___________

7. Number of years your parents have been married ___________________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? _______ A waterbed? ____________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? ________________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? _________________________________

__________________________________________________ ________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

__________________________________________________ _________________________

__________________________________________________ _________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? __________________________________________________ __________________________

__________________________________________________ __________________________

12. Church you attend _________________ How often do you attend ________________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________________________________________________ __________________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________________________

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________________________

c) A woman's place is in the __________________________________________________ ____

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is ___________________________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low.
Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases will notify you. (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house..

[beamwalker]

WARNING: This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.
What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman
comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing
this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in sight.
They are very good at this. They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times on
Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

[beamwalker]

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a
Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When
he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was
indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days
he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather
Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at
the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be
a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going
to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[beamwalker]

THE OIL SHORTAGE
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Oklahoma and TEXAS
~~~
~~~
THE REAL PROBLEM:
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
~~~

[beamwalker]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I
will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set
in. The AAA is not an option. I will win.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as
if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to
start." We will then drink beer and break wind
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in
bed and moan. You're a woman. You! never get as sick as
I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."
For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much,
once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
__________________________________________________ _
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has
been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it
(though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator).....applies to engineers mainly.
__________________________________ _____________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The answer is always either ***, cars,
or Fishing. I have to make up something else when you
ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother,
or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when
she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't
need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something
for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked
the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of
it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous
afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember
the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is
fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago
was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the
belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year
2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just
do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest......
like wandering around in the garden with a beer
wondering what to do.
______________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to
better understand Men

[beamwalker]

Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction center for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you." They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a Dentist and have all their teeth pulled.

When they arrive at the Induction Center there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big 'ol farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the 2nd toothless guy lines up behind him.

The first toothless guy steps up and the doc asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The Guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth."

The Doc says, "Open up and let me have a look." The Guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enough, you stand over there." The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The Farm boy steps up and the doc asks, "Anything wrong with you?"

The Farm Boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles."

The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see."

The Boy does so.

The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure enough. You've got 'em, stand over there."

The next toothless guy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you?"

He bellows, "NOT A THING, JUST GIVE ME THE GUN!!!

[beamwalker]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible! It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
__________________

[beamwalker]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[beamwalker]

To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following:

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to ****), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up", ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no longer playing records).
__________________

[beamwalker]

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to
see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly
having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom?
How do you spell 'zilla'?"

[beamwalker]

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press--no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or, after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk with you.
__________________

[beamwalker]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye
and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your
life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will
not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
me a much better offer."

[beamwalker]

A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing
aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can
hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a
conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!"
"You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"
The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes
after two."

[beamwalker]

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through
a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,
too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but
the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting
there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get
out.
The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the
shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
He did.