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  • #76
    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

    The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

    The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

    "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


    • #77
      Beamwalker, where the heck are you getting your jokes from...AWSOME
      I'm not late...
      I'm just on Hawaiian Time


      • #78
        learn alot working several feet off ground


        • #79
          In 1957, a BBC television show announced that thanks to a mild winter and the virtual elimination of the spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. Footage of Swiss farmers pulling strands of spaghetti from trees prompted a barrage of calls from people wanting to know how to grow their own spaghetti at home.

          In 1985, Sports Illustrated magazine published a story that a rookie baseball pitcher who could reportedly throw a ball at 270km/h was set to join the New York Mets. Finch was said to have mastered his skill - pitching significantly faster than anyone else has ever managed - in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans' celebrations were short-lived.

          Sweden in 1962 had only one television channel, which broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert appeared on the news to announce that thanks to a newly developed technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to receive colour pictures by pulling a nylon stocking over the screen. In fact, they had to wait until 1970.

          In 1996, American fast-food chain Taco Bell announced that it had bought Philadelphia's Liberty Bell, a historic symbol of American independence, from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.

          Outraged citizens called to express their anger before Taco Bell revealed the hoax. Then-White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale and said the Lincoln Memorial in Washington had also been sold and was to be renamed the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial after the automotive giant.

          In 1977, British newspaper The Guardian published a seven-page supplement for the 10th anniversary of San Serriffe, a small republic located in the Indian Ocean consisting of several semicolon-shaped islands. A series of articles described the geography and culture of the two main islands, named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse.

          In 1992, US National Public Radio announced that Richard Nixon was running for president again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." They even had clips of Nixon announcing his candidacy. Listeners flooded the show with calls expressing their outrage. Nixon's voice actually turned out to be that of impersonator Rich Little.

          In 1998, a newsletter titled New Mexicans For Science And Reason carried an article that the state of Alabama had voted to change the value of pi from 3.14159 to the "Biblical value" of 3.0.
          Burger King, another American fast-food chain, published a full-page advertisement in USA Today in 1998 announcing the introduction of the Left-Handed Whopper, specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new burger included the same ingredients as the original, but the condiments were rotated 180 degrees. The chain said it received thousands of requests for the new burger, as well as orders for the original "right-handed" version.

          Discover Magazine announced in 1995 that a highly respected biologist, Aprile Pazzo (Italian for April Fool), had discovered a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. The creatures were described as having bony plates on their heads that became burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speed - a technique they used to hunt penguins.

          Noted British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on the radio in 1976 that at 9:47 am, a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event, in which Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, would cause a gravitational alignment that would reduce the Earth's gravity. Moore told listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment of the planetary alignment, they would experience a floating sensation. Hundreds of people called in to report feeling the sensation.


          • #80
            George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by
            train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a
            ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are
            the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W,
            astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hilary.

            They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective
            but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door.
            Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
            collecting tickets.

            He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door
            opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
            The conductor takes it and moves on. The Bushes see this happen and
            agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to
            try a similar plan on the return trip.

            When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window
            buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
            Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you
            taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.

            "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

            When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and
            the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly
            after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and
            walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says,
            "Ticket, please."

            And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that


            • #81
              Nun in Hooters

              A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
              However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
              She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
              "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
              So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
              She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
              "Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
              "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"


              • #82
                Bubba applies to Wal-Mart

                An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
                The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
                Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
                "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
                "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
                "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
                He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
                "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING
                ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
                The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
                Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
                Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
                "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
                "Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already went in my pants.
                Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the Lake Ellsinore Wal-Mart


                • #83
                  Robert wakes up with a huge hangover after attending
                  > his company's
                  > Christmas Party. Robert is not normally a drinker,
                  > but the drinks didn't
                  > taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember
                  > how he got home from
                  > the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if
                  > he did something
                  > wrong.
                  > Robert had to force himself to open his eyes, and
                  > the first thing he
                  > sees
                  > is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on
                  > the side table. And,
                  > next to them, a single red rose!
                  > Robert sits up and sees his clothing in front of
                  > him, all clean and
                  > pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it
                  > is in perfect order,
                  > spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
                  > takes the aspirins,
                  > cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back
                  > at him in the
                  > bathroom
                  > mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner
                  > of the mirror
                  > written
                  > in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
                  > his wife in
                  > lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left
                  > early to go get
                  > groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
                  > I love you, darling!
                  > Love, Nancy
                  > He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is
                  > hot breakfast,
                  > steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His
                  > son is also at the
                  > table, eating. Robert asks, "Son... what happened
                  > last night?"
                  > "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of
                  > your mind. You
                  > fell
                  > over the coffee table and broke it, and then you
                  > puked in the hallway,
                  > and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
                  > Confused he asked
                  > his
                  > son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order,
                  > so clean, I have a
                  > rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
                  > His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the
                  > bedroom, and
                  > when
                  > she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
                  > "Leave me alone, lady,
                  > I'm married!"
                  > Broken Coffee Table $39.99
                  > Hot Breakfast $ 4.20
                  > Two Aspirins $ .38
                  > Saying the right thing, at the right time . .
                  > .Priceless!!!


                  • #84
                    dear Consumers:

                    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 OKLAHOMA
                    EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of OKLAHOMA.

                    If you have one of these, you may need help understanding
                    the commands. The OKLAHOMA EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening
                    screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson
                    superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

                    Please also note:

                    The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
                    My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
                    Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
                    Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
                    Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
                    Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
                    Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

                    Reset.............try'er agin
                    Find..............hunt fer it
                    Go to.............over yonder
                    Back..............back yonder
                    Help..............hep me out here
                    Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
                    Start.............crank'er up
                    Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
                    Documents....... .stuff ah done did

                    Also note that the OKLAHOMA EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
                    punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

                    Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
                    Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
                    Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator>Outhouse Paper................notepad
                    Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
                    Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

                    We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of
                    the OKLAHOMA EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement

                    I hope this helps all y'all!

                    Billy Bob Gates


                    • #85
                      A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .... and uh.."

                      Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the **** are you doing for the next generation??"

                      I love senior citizens


                      • #86

                        News Anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

                        The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

                        Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

                        Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

                        Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job until the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

                        The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the butt " said the Marine. "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt " insisted the Marine. So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

                        As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?" Why didn't you just shoot them?

                        "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberals call ME the aggressor?!"


                        • #87
                          His time was up

                          An elderly RVing couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary with a party at their fifth wheel trailer. Arriving guests noticed that the old man was crying, and found his overwhelming emotion touching.

                          The wife, too, noticed. "Why are you crying?" she asked.

                          '"Do you remember the night we were kissing on your parents' front porch?" he asked.

                          "Yes, dear," she replied. "I'll never forget it." Dad came outside and told me to get inside immediately."

                          "Well, after you went inside, your dad told me that I had three choices about you. He reminded me that he was the judge in town and that he could kill me and get away with it . Or, he said, he could send me to jail for 50 years. He said my third choice was to marry you."

                          "I see," said his wife. "But why are you crying now?"

                          The man began to sob. And then, gaining his composure, he said, "I'd be getting out today."


                          • #88
                            Medicare Recommendation

                            Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test

                            The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big
                            mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain
                            which one is your husband's.

                            Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

                            "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
                            "Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS.
                            We can't tell which is your husband."
                            "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
                            "Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than

                            "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

                            The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
                            middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


                            • #89
                              *** NIGHTMARES

                              NIGHTMARE #1

                              After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,

                              pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

                              Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There

                              might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened

                              the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting

                              neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the

                              guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

                              "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend

                              then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his

                              ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly,

                              the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


                              • #90
                                A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
                                >cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The
                                >lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's
                                >eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to
                                >kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail
                                >and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled
                                >out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed
                                >it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
                                >"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."