No announcement yet.

Humor Thread

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • beamwalker
    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
    I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
    child processing that took up a lot of space and
    valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
    itself into all other programs and now monitors all
    other system activity. Applications such as Poker
    Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5,
    and Racing 3.6

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
    attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm
    thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
    uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

    A Troubled User.

    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem that men complain about.

    Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
    thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
    program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
    designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

    It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
    to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or
    purge the program files from the system once

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0
    is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0
    manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support. I
    recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving
    the situation. I suggest installing the background
    application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software

    The best course of action is to enter the command
    C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give
    the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
    normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
    high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
    programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and
    Do Bills 4.2.

    However, be very careful how you use these programs.
    Improper use will cause the system to launch the
    program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way
    to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
    additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
    Diamonds 5.0 !

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
    Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
    not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
    damage to the operating system.

    Best of luck,
    Tech Support

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

    They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

    Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

    "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

    The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

    The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

    There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

    The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

    He placed one half in front of his wife.

    Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

    He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

    Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

    Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

    She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

    A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

    The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

    As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

    After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.

    What is it that you are waiting for?"

    She answered,


    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    --Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
    child playing with matches.

    ---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be Also, my memory's not as
    sharp as it used to be.

    --- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
    replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
    blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
    medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
    bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
    feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
    thank God, I still have my driver's license.

    --- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
    doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
    decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
    gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
    time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker

    US Marine Corps Rules:

    1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
    3. Have a plan.
    4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
    5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
    7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
    9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
    10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
    11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
    12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
    13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

    US Navy SEAL's Rules:

    1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
    2. Kill every living thing within view.
    3. Adjust speedo.
    4. Check hair in mirror.
    5. Wait for the Naval fleet to deploy the Marines.

    US Army Rangers Rules:

    1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
    2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
    3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
    4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
    5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

    US Army Rules:

    1. Select a new beret to wear.
    2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
    3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

    US Air Force Rules:

    1. Have a ****tail.
    2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
    3. See what's on HBO.
    4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
    5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
    6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
    7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
    8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
    9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

    US Navy Rules:

    1. Go to Sea.
    2. Drop off SEAL's
    3. Drink Coffee.
    4. Deploy the Marines.
    5. Sit off shore and watch the fireworks
    6. Drink Coffee

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills.
    If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
    If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time.
    If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong.
    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.
    If you can face the world without lies and deceit.
    If you can conquer tension without medical help.
    If you can relax without liquor.
    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
    If you can do all these things ............


    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    Good Chicken Recipe
    Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for you guys who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

    6-7 lb. baking chicken
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
    1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
    Salt/pepper to taste
    Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

    And you thought I couldn't cook.

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    The Blonde Year In Review
    January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

    February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

    March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

    April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

    May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

    June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July - After losing in a ****** stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

    August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

    September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

    October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

    December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    Top Ten Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

    10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

    9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

    8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

    7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

    6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

    4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

    3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

    2. "Who put decaf! in the wrong pot?"

    And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk ..

    Raise your head slowly and say, " Jesus' name, Amen."

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

    "What was that for?" he asked.

    "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

    "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

    "Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

    Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

    When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

    She replied, "Your horse called."

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

    “There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

    A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

    A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

    "Matt's riding a new bike....."

    "The Coopers are having ***!!"

    Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having ***?"

    "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
    On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon, and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

    "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

    The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal' that you had a change of heart?"

    The man responded, "No, it was the one about adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat."

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    Defect: The autopilot doesn't.

    Action: IT DOES NOW.

    Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
    Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

    Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
    Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

    Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
    Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

    Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
    Action: Wound clock.

    Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
    Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

    Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
    Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

    Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
    Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

    Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
    Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

    Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
    Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

    Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
    Action: Ground checks OK.

    Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
    Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

    Defect: Weather radar went ape!
    Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
    sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then
    pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
    that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
    complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the
    solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in ****pit.
    S: Something tightened in ****pit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mo! de produces a 200 feet per minute
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in ****pit.
    S: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last .................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like! a midget
    pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Veget ables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regu lar exercise program?
    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. It may allow you six more months in a nursing home in diapers. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: HELLO! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans--another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - straw berries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

    Leave a comment:

  • 84ZMike
    Directions from NY to France

    Take a look at item # 23.

    Leave a comment: