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  • #61

    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you
    just need to take it out on someone--don't take it out on someone you
    know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
    forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered
    saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak
    with Robin Carter?"

    He replied "Wrong number, idiot," and the phone was slammed
    down on me.

    I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down
    Robin's correct number and called her. (I had transposed the last two
    digits of her phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided to call
    the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I
    yelled, "You're an idiot!" and I hung up.

    I wrote his number down, with the word 'idiot' next to it, and
    put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
    or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an idiot!"
    It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
    'idiot' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,
    "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to
    see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"

    He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called
    him back and said, "That's because you're an idiot!"

    So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull
    into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled
    into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that
    I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a
    "For Sale" sign in his car window, so! I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I
    had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW
    idiot, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

    I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it

    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
    the car's parked right out front."
    "What's your name?" I asked.
    "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home every evening after five."
    "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Don, you're an idiot!"
    Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to call. But
    after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
    So, I came up with! an idea:
    I called idiot #1. "Hello?"
    "You're an idiot!" (but I didn't hang up).
    "Are you still there?" he asked.
    "Yeah," I said."
    "Stop calling me!" he screamed.
    "Make me," I said.
    "Who are you? " he asked.
    "My name is Don Hansen."
    "Yeah? Where do you live?"
    "I live at 1802 West 34th Street, idiot, in a yellow house
    with a black BMW parked in front."
    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
    start saying your prayers."
    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, idiot."
    Then I called idiot # 2: "Hello?" he said.
    "Hello, idiot," I said.
    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You'll what?" I said.
    "I'll kick your butt," he exclaimed.
    I answered, "Well, idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over
    right now!"

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
    lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my
    *** lover.

    Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on
    West 34th Street.

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I
    saw two idiots beating the******out of each other in front of six
    squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

    Now, I feel better.


    • #62
      A couple from Michigan, who were both in marketing, decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

      Because of their hectic travel and work schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their flight schedules. So, the husband left Detroit and flew to Miami on Thursday, with his wife flying down from Chicago the following day.

      The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile....somewhere in Alabama, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

      The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

      From: Your Husband
      Sent: Tue, 3/1/2004 5:45 PM
      To: My Loving Wife
      Subject: I've Arrived

      I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just got all checked in and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

      Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
      P.S. Sure is hot down here.


      • #63

        A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


        • #64
          Subject: Kentucky Firewood

          "Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?" "Yes." "I'm calling to report about my neighbor
          Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
          The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
          The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come today?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep."
          "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
          Who says rednecks aren't real bright!


          • #65
            UGLY PEOPLE

            A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

            They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

            This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

            When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

            The guy eventually calms do! wn and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

            SO........ THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'........BE HAPPY

            Everything happens for a reason!


            • #66
              Human Resource Complaint

              A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to
              her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her
              hair smells nice.
              After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
              complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she
              explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a ***ual
              harassment grievance against him.
              The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this request and asks, "What's
              ***ually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
              The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."


              • #67
                WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER!

                What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
                The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is
                just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
                can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
                Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
                have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
                You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
                Same work, more pay.

                Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're
                talking to them. Her wedding dress costs $5000; your tux rental, $100. The
                occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't
                cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Same mood all the time, never accused of
                "PMS." Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff
                about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
                your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
                someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

                Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
                than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
                see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
                color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have
                to shave your face and neck.

                You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
                one color for all seasons. Your wardrobe is complete with 2 items, shirts
                and pants. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You're not
                criticized for overweight or baldness. You can "do" your nails with a
                pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can
                do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

                No wonder men are happier!


                • #68
                  This may be the same bird from Gunracers post..

                  A fellow and his old lady walk into a pet store one day, the woman walks all around the store until she comes to a parrot on a stand way in the back, she looks at the parrot and says “hey bird how are you”. The bird takes one look at her and squawks back “Lady your are UGLY, I’ve never had someone so UGLY talk to me before! GET AWAY!!!”.. The lady is appalled and tells her mate what has happened the fellow gets the manager of the shop and tells him, he jumps into action and grabs up the parrot runs to the back of the store and throws him into the office. After giving the couple a generous discount on their purchase he goes to the office and tells the bird that if he EVER makes a rude comment to a customer again he will be cooked and eaten as lunch for the employees! The bird agrees and everything goes great for a couple of weeks. Then the SAME couple come in, the woman walks about the store and the parrot just follows her and looks at her the whole time, the man can take no more, he looks at the parrot and asks “What the heck are you looking at?”.. The parrot looks back at him and calmly squawks “You KNOW”…

                  Disclaimer “This story is told best in person after a couple of beers.”


                  • #69
                    Thing My Mom Taught Me
                    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going
                    to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

                    2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
                    the carpet."

                    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
                    I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

                    4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

                    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
                    break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

                    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
                    in case you're in an accident."

                    7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
                    to cry about."

                    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
                    and eat your supper."

                    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST. "Will you look at that dirt
                    on the back of your neck!"

                    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all those
                    peas are gone."

                    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a
                    tornado went through it."

                    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
                    you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

                    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
                    world, and I can take you out."

                    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
                    your father!"

                    15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less
                    fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like
                    you do."

                    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

                    17.. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
                    you get home!"

                    18 My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your
                    eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

                    19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
                    know when you are cold?"

                    20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
                    don't come running to me."

                    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
                    vegetables, you'll never grow up."

                    22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

                    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
                    you think you were born in a barn?"

                    24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll

                    25. And my favorite: - My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day
                    you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


                    • #70
                      Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital
                      > will enjoy this:
                      > A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you
                      > connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd
                      > like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or
                      > getting worse."
                      > The voice on the other end said, "What is the
                      > patient's name and room number?"
                      > "Sarah Finkel, room 302."
                      > "I'll connect you with the nursing station."
                      > "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
                      > "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in
                      > room 302."
                      > "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs.
                      > Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood
                      > pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of
                      > hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to
                      > send her home Tuesday at noon."
                      > The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's
                      > fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
                      > The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
                      > are a close family member or a very close friend!"
                      > "Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302. Nobody here
                      > tells me anything!"


                      • #71
                        A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something
                        > terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
                        > about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man
                        > replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very
                        > surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man
                        > then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
                        > poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then
                        > offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see
                        > what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week
                        > later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to
                        > your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three
                        > hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and
                        > the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."


                        • #72
                          A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' ..............Well, I guess I just panicked.


                          • #73
                            THE WIFE FROM ****
                            >> A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
                            >> you
                            >> at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on
                            >> cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
                            >> Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
                            >> you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
                            >> As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
                            >> and
                            >> growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife
                            >> smiles
                            >> demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off
                            >> when
                            >> it did."
                            >> As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
                            >> unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
                            >> it,
                            >> woman,can't you keep your mouth shut?"
                            >> The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
                            >> seat
                            >> belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
                            >> The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
                            >> off
                            >> when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
                            >> pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
                            >> have
                            >> your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
                            >> And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
                            >> turns
                            >> to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer
                            >> looks
                            >> over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk
                            >> to you this way, Ma'am?"
                            >> I love this part....
                            >> "Only when he's been drinking"


                            • #74
                              On Saturday morning, I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog, and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck. Down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.” To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather?"


                              • #75
                                The Outhouse

                                Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

                                Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

                                Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

                                So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

                                Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

                                Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

                                Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

                                So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

                                Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

                                Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

                                To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"