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  • beamwalker
    replied
    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

    Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well it was like this", said the man." I was having a quiet round

    of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our *****

    into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting

    around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

    I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a

    golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle

    of the cows butt.

    " That's when I made my big mistake."

    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the cows tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this

    looks like yours!'

    I don't remember much after that."
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    a jew, a muslim, and a televangelist are all traveling together. late one night when they finally decide to stop for the night, the only building around is an old farm house. the three knock on the door and the farmer comes to the door. they tell him they need a place to stay for the night. he agrees to let them stay but one of the has to sleep in the barn. well the jew steps up and says he'll sleep out side. they all go to bed and 10 minutes later the jew comes back "i cant sleep out there w/ the pigs. it wouldn't be kosher" so then the muslim agrees to sleep outside. once again they all go to bed and 10 minutes later the muslim comes back. "i can not sleep out there! the cow is sacred in my religion, i am not worthy" the televangelist finally agrees to sleep in the barn. they all go to bed, once again. ten minutes later the farmer hears another knock on the door. when he opens it, there standing are the cow and pig.
    _______________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Dog vs. Cat
    As seen in a dog's diary:
    7am -Oh Boy! A Walk! My favorite!

    8am - Oh Boy! Dog Food! My favorite!

    9am - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

    Noon - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!

    2pm - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!

    3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!

    4pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

    6pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!

    7pm - Oh Boy! Dad! My favorite!

    8pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!

    11pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in a people bed! My favorite!



    As seen in a cat's diary:

    Day 183 of my captivity...My captors continue to taunt me with
    bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while
    I am forced to eat dry cereal.

    The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
    mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
    another house plant. Today, my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
    around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded - must try
    this at the topof the stairs.

    In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
    again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on
    their bed.

    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an
    attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
    fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
    little cat I was. Hmmmm, not working according to plan.

    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
    in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
    smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due
    to my powers of inducing "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to
    use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies
    and maybe snitches.

    The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
    He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be
    an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
    every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
    is assured. But, I can wait, it is only a matter of time......
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    The high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went to a
    coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together.

    No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he
    snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one
    of them stay with him the whole time,so they vote to
    take turns.

    The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to
    breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all
    bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?"

    He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched
    him all night."

    The next night it was a different coach's turn. In
    the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes
    all bloodshot.

    They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

    He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched
    him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big
    burly ex-football player-looking type of man's man.

    Next morning , he comes to breakfast bright eyed and
    bushy tailed. "Good morning."

    They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what
    happened?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and
    tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He
    watched me all night."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Every parents worst nightmare
    A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS
    NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.
    THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT
    WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE
    AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

    DEAR DAD:
    IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE
    WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
    I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL
    HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY
    THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY
    TOGETHER

    EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY
    OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE
    WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF
    MY DREAMS TOO.

    BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE
    GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE
    AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A
    CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

    DON'T WORRY DAD; I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
    SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR
    GRANDCHILDREN .

    YOUR SON,

    Bill

    P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I JUST
    WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD
    THAT'S IN MY DESK, CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!

    CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
    couple of bottles of Budweiser. The passenger, Bubba, said,
    "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock!!



    We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
    Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
    drinkin'these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads
    then throw the bottles under the seat."

    "What fer?" asked Bubba.

    "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

    Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
    and put the labels on each of their foreheads.

    When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
    "Howdy boys ya'll been drinkin'?"

    "No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...

    Me and Bubba's on the Patch."
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC
    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    SHOPPING MATH
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    HAPPINESS
    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
    little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
    understand her at all.

    LONGEVITY
    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
    more willing to die.

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    (you're gonna love this)







    (its a real treat)







    (a masterpiece)







    (wait for it)









    The bank manager looks back at her and says...

    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



    (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)



    Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
    Have a lovely day.
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    here were two nuns... One of them was known as
    Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
    thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
    What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
    started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
    I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
    has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
    so he followed me.

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
    could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down .

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A Rooster Named Ralph

    A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster. He wants chicks so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster named Ralph. He'll service every hen you got, no problem." Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000. It's a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So he buys Ralph.

    The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gives the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of hens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.

    Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. Wham! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times. The farmer is shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham!, Ralph gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

    The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out, both feet sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

    The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you've done to yourself!"

    Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhsshh! They're getting closer."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Finally, the guys' side of the story.
    (I must admit, it's pretty good.)


    We always hear "the rules"
    from the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
    That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
    See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
    don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
    and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
    we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible,
    please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
    We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
    we will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
    expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
    is fine..Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
    prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

    but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can -
    to give them a laugh.

    Pass this to as many women as you can -
    to give them a bigger laugh!!

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
    at the front of the church.

    Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
    trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
    incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
    gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious
    to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

    "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

    "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

    "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

    "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
    all eternity?" persisted Satan.

    "Yep," was the calm reply.

    "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

    "Nope," said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
    afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • bgurney
    replied
    Purina diet

    A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

    The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

    He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

    Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his ***** and a car hit him.

    The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A true irishman................





    Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford
    Excursion into an Irish gas station.


    An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware of whom the
    golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing
    his cap.

    As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his
    pocket.


    "So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.


    "They're called tees." replied Tiger.

    "And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

    "Well, they're for resting my ***** on when I drive," said Tiger.

    "AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those
    fellas at FORD think of everything."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    2005 Darwin Award Winners:
    >
    >1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
    >during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
    >did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
    >and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
    >
    >And now, the honorable mentions:
    >
    >2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
    >machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
    >insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
    >its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
    >finger The chef's claim was approved.
    >
    >3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
    >during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman
    >had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
    >
    >4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
    >found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
    >from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
    >incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
    >waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
    >mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
    >and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
    >days.
    >
    >5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
    >wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
    >injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
    >he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
    >
    >6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
    >counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
    >the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
    >the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
    >fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
    >got from the drawer..$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
    >money, is a crime committed?)
    >
    >7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
    >carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
    >MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A Edit-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
    >Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and
    >doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
    >about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief
    >got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
    >event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
    >words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a Edit-up!"
    >
    >8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
    >he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
    >booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
    >at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
    >on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
    >of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
    >
    >9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
    >grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
    >woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
    >Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
    >car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
    >and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
    >officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
    >
    >10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
    >Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
    >demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
    >open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
    >rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
    >frustrated, walked away.
    >
    >A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
    >
    >11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
    >a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
    >at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
    >spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
    >to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
    >sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
    >charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

    Leave a comment:

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