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  • beamwalker
    Date: Fri, 16 Dec 2005 08:25:54 -0500




    Class 1
    How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 2
    The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
    Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
    Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

    Class 6
    Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7
    Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
    Open Forum .
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
    Graphics and Audio Tapes.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9
    Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Class 10
    Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

    Class 11
    Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
    Online Classes and role-playing .
    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

    Class 12
    How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
    Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 13
    How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
    Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 14
    The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
    Live Demonstration.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Upon completion of any of the above courses, Diplomas will be issued to the survivors

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  • beamwalker
    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me! Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$65,000"
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
    MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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  • beamwalker
    A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

    Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

    This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

    The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

    She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

    The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

    The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

    Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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  • beamwalker

    December 1
    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    Patty Lewis
    Human Resources Director

    December 2nd
    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

    Patty Lewis
    Human Resources Director

    December 3rd
    Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

    Patty Lewis
    Human Researchers Director

    December 7th
    I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. ***s are allowed to sit with each other. *******s do not have to sit with the *** men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the *** men's table. Happy now?

    Patty Lewis
    Human Racehorses Director

    December 9th
    People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

    Patty Lewis
    Human Ratraces

    December 10th
    Vegetarians! I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

    The **** from ****

    December 14th
    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
    the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!
    Terri Bishop
    Acting Human Resources Director

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    A Texas Panhandle rancher and his wife were bickering while on holiday
    in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being
    seated n a fancy French restaurant for dinner.

    When the waiter came to take the order, the rancher said: "I'll have a
    big, thick Porterhouse steak."

    The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

    To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad."

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.

    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
    "Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
    "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
    "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
    She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!"

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

    "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
    dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just
    pull the plug."

    His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

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  • beamwalker
    A letter to Southerners
    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
    Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

    However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Such as:

    1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

    3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

    4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

    5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

    And Finally,

    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree!!!!!

    Sincerely Yours,

    Santa Claus

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    a blonde is going to get her hair cut. she sits in the chair and the barber asks the blonde to take her head-phones off. "NO!" shouts the blonde. "if i take them off i will die!" so the barber just cuts around them. next time she comes to get her hair cut. its a different barber. this barber doesnt asks, he just yanks em right off her head. suddenly the blonde runs around for about 30 seconds and drops dead on the floor. the first barber then walks in. "what have u done! u werent supposed to take them off?" he then takes the head phones and puts them on. he hears.....

    "breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. breathe out

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  • beamwalker
    A Blonde woman finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

    She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

    Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

    The Blonde again prays ..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

    Lotto night comes and still no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and she is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

    "Meet Me halfway on this Blondie, Please! "


    " Buy a Ticket."

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    These are the actual INDIAN STYLE ABSENCES from parents-- including

    1. My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today.
    please execute him.
    2. Please excuse LIsa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
    3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28. 29,30,
    31, 32, and also 33.
    4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
    5. Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out
    of a tree and misplaced his hip.
    6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
    7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
    hurt in the growing part.
    8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheresby
    very close veins.
    9. Chris will not be in schoolo because he has an acre in his side.
    10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
    11. Please excuse Tommy Yazzie for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
    and his boots leak.
    12. Irving Tso was absenent yesterday because he missed his bust.
    13. Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
    14. I kept Billie home becuase she had to go Christmas shopping becuase I
    don't know her size she wear.
    15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
    the Sunday paper of the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it
    was Sunday.
    16. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
    17. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
    weekend with the Marines.
    18. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
    19. Please excuse linda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
    20. MY Favorite excuse slip....... Maryann was absent December 11-16,
    becuase she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her
    sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had low grade
    fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, eighter, sore throat and
    fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last

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  • beamwalker
    One day, a bus full of horrendously ugly people was accidentally driven of a cliff. Everyone died.

    In heaven, God yelled to them "I realize you have
    been shunned by society when you were alive, so I will grant each of you
    one wish!". The ugly people formed a big plan at the Pearly Gates, each of
    them making a wish: to be pretty and handsome and suave.

    One guy at the back started laughing. It started as a chuckle but began
    increasing as the line progressed. When it was his turn, he was about to
    fall on the floor.

    When he finally got a breath out, he laughed " make 'em
    all ugly again!"

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    prison vs. work
    IN PRISON. . . . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
    AT WORK . . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
    IN PRISON. . . . you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK. . . . . you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
    IN PRISON. . . . you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK. . . . . you get more work for good behavior.
    IN PRISON. . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK. . . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the
    doors for yourself.
    IN PRISON. . . . you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK. . . . . you can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
    IN PRISON. . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK.. . . . you can't even speak to your family.
    IN PRISON. . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
    AT WORK. . . . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
    deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
    IN PRISON. . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
    AT WORK. . . . .you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
    inside bars.

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
    be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
    the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
    spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in
    plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

    In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make
    the sivil servants jump with joy.

    The hard "C" will be dropped in favour of "K." This should klear up
    konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
    troublesome "PH" will be replaced with "F." This will make words like
    fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
    reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
    ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "E" in the languag is
    disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with
    "Z" and "W" with "V."

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
    and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
    understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
    forst plas.

    If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

    Leave a comment:

  • beamwalker
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
    their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
    Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
    "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky,....what you see?"
    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
    speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
    billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
    Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three
    in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
    and we are but small and insignificant creatures. Meteorologically, it
    seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

    What's it tell you, Tonto?"
    Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
    buffalo. Someone has stolen tent!"

    Leave a comment: