Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.

I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes--it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

" I call them by their last names."

[beamwalker]

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

[beamwalker]

Men Strike Back!!!!!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it!

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of the "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't there's a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door which o you let in first?
The dog, he'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and with a beer belly and think they are ***y!

Remember it's all in fun

[beamwalker]

Here's a story......

Guy just gets married, after the honeymoon they get home and he goes up to his new wif and tells her how it's going to be. Honey, I want this house clean all the time, I want a hot, fresh dinner made setting on the table every day when I get home from work, you will take care of the baby when he wakes up in the middle of the night yadi, yadi.
After that little discussion he did'nt see her again for 2 weeks..
And then only a little bit through one eye!!


You know your gettin old when your back goes out more than you do!
You know your gettin old when you watch the weather channel instead of Seinfeld or "Friends"
_________________

[beamwalker]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow
hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe
hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.

The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

[beamwalker]

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to the
local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was
time to take the children to the bathroom it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
the men's room when one of the boys came out and
told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys
up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to
direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he
was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the
teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding
Silver Arrow in the seventh."

[beamwalker]

Five surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
__________________

[beamwalker]

Colonoscopies

A physician claims these are actual comments made by his patients while getting a colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me NOW!
4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
5. You know, In Arkansas, we're now legally married.
6. Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?
7.You put your left hand in you take your left hand out.
8. Hey! Now I know how a muppet feels.
9. If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!
10. Hey Doc. Let me know if you find my dignity.
11. Could you write a note for my wife saying my heads not up there?
__________________

[beamwalker]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the
cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but
I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun
as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's
nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes,
I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you
crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin
and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[beamwalker]

Letter From The Dog

Dear Master:

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face the facts:

It's time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.

Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important?

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
Signed,
Hamster
Department of Rodent Wheels

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality - TV show. I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.

And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the #1 pet.

Sincerely,
The Dog

[beamwalker]

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

1.Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[Alky]

A ten year old boy just got a bicycle for present from his parents and proudly showed the bike for the whole neighborhood, when a riding police stopped to talk to the boy. The police dismounted the horse, and looked at the bicycle.

-"Nice bike, is it yours?"
-"Yes", the boy replied.
-"Did you get it from your parents?"
-"Yes."
-"Tell them until next time, that if they had put some reflectors on it I wouldn't have to write you a ticket. You know, it's both dangerous and illegal to ride a bike without them."

The police begun to write the ticket.

-"Nice horse, is it yours?", the boy suddenly said.
-"Thank you, yes it is.", the officer replied.
-"Did you get it from your parents?"
The officer replied "yes", with a chuckle.
-Then, tell them until next time, that the ******* should be on the backside of the horse, not riding on top of it.

[beamwalker]

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please try to pay attention.

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts do not like to be called "Towel Heads," since the item they wear on their heads is actually a small, folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as:

"Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
__________________

[beamwalker]

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have *** with a ghost.

The student replies, "Ghost?!?"

"Dang it, I thought you said goats.'"

[beamwalker]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."