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  • monte55
    When at a garage sale.........offer triple the amount wanted for an item. Insist that they sign a contract so they will be less apt to change their mind.

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  • beamwalker
    Nine Months Later

    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

    "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.

    And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

    "Yes, I do." said Bob

    "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

    "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

    "She just died and left me everything."

    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

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  • beamwalker

    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
    hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
    with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
    over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

    7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

    8. dont use any punctuation

    9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10. Order a Diet Water whenever yo! u go out to eat - with a serious

    11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".

    12. Sing along at the opera.

    13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
    all day at work.

    14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't come to their
    party because you're not in the mood.

    16. Have your co-workers call you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

    17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

    18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
    "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

    19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to
    have to let one of you go."

    20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ... e-mail
    this to someone to make them smile. It's called therapy.

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  • monte55
    What do you call a fly without wings?......a walk

    what do you call a dog with no legs?..........doesn't matter....he won't come anyway
    Last edited by monte55; 04-27-2008, 06:26 AM.

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  • harcosparky
    Irish Humor - St Patty's Day

    QUESTION: What do you call an Irish girl who sits out on the deck all day and night?

    ANSWER: Patty O'Furniture

    QUESTION: What the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Wake?

    ANSWER: One less drunk!

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  • beamwalker
    old man has been going to pet store for years to buy his pet food. One day he goes in and a parrot is in the back that notices him and squawks to get his attention and tells the man to come here he has something to tell him. Well the old man goes back there and the parrot tells him to lean down ive got something to tell you. The man leans down and parrot says "your the ugliest person ive ever seen!" The old man is preturbed so he goes to buy his food and leaves. This goes one again the following week, and the week after that. Well the man is quite ill about it and goes to the manager and complains that this parrot is very disrespectful, ive been a customer for a long time and i will take my business elsware if it continues. The manager assures him that it will not happen again. The next week goes by and the old man enters the store. The parrot sees him and beckons the man over. The parrot says "lean down here ive got something to tell you." the man leans over close to the parrot and the parrot looks him in the eye and says "youuuu know."

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  • beamwalker
    started a topic Humor Thread

    Humor Thread

    Ok to get this thread started just tell us jokes but keep them clean.

    why does a blond have tgif inside their shoes?
    toes go in first