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    Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

    Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

    Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM , 2 hours.

    Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

    Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.

    Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM , location to be determined

    Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

    Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


    • Rules of the West

      They are as follows!!!
      1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
      2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
      3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a
      pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're
      going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
      4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like
      money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65
      goes north and south. Pick one.
      5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000
      combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
      6. So every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being
      friendly. Understand the concept.
      7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we
      WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to
      your ear at the time.
      8. Yeah, we eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi &
      caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
      9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
      religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10.
      We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless
      of age.
      11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or
      you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &
      12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
      vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
      Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff
      you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
      13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and
      over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know
      how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
      14. College and High School Football is as important here as the
      and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
      15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
      spooks the fish.
      16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities,
      Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education
      plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
      17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So
      don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
      18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
      music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see
      your boxers! Refer back to #1!



        1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 Work boots.

        2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. ; ;

        3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

        4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

        "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. "PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.



          1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
          Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
          presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

          2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
          vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
          you chop away.

          3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
          the toilet seat. just use the sink.

          4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
          yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
          pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

          5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
          prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
          after you hit the snooze button.

          6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
          laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

          7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
          hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

          8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
          of life really are:

          In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct
          If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
          If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

          9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
          know them.

          Thought for the Day:



          • Talkative Wife (***Heavily Sanitized***)

            A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
            says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

            The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
            at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

            Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't
            be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise

            As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
            over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
            your darn mouth shut for once?"

            The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
            thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

            As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
            illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
            wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darnit,
            can't you keep your mouth shut?"

            The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're
            not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic
            $75 fine."

            The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it
            on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I
            could get my license out of my back pocket."

            The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
            didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat
            belt when you're driving."

            And as the police officer is writing out the third
            ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY
            DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP??"

            The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
            your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

            "Only when he's been drinking."


            • >>>>>Europeans Heighten Threat Levels
              >>>>>The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
              >>>>>threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
              >>>>>Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
              "Irritated" or
              >>>>>even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
              >>>>>blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists
              >>>>>been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The
              >>>>>time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
              >>>>>warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
              >>>>>Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
              >>>>>terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
              >>>>>France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated
              by a
              >>>>>recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
              >>>>>paralyzing the country's military capability.
              >>>>>It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level
              >>>>>alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
              >>>>>excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
              >>>>>"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
              >>>>>The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
              >>>>>to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
              >>>>>levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
              >>>>>Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
              >>>>>threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
              >>>>>The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
              >>>>>These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
              >>>>>navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


              • Black and White
                (Under age 40? You won't understand.)

                You could hardly see for all the snow,
                Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
                Pull a chair up to the TV set,
                "Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

                My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

                My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

                Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

                The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

                We all took gym, not PE ... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

                Flunking gym was not an option . even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

                Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

                We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

                I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

                I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

                Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

                We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

                Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

                We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

                I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

                To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

                We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?



                • What will make a relationship last

                  1. A woman that will be loyal to you and never even think about cheating

                  2. A woman that will cook for you every day

                  3. A woman that will clean the house

                  4. A woman that can make you laugh and has a sense of humor

                  5. (Most important) Make sure that you never ever, ever, let women # 1-4 find out about each other!!!


                  • Dang man,
                    post 292 is so true, I miss "the good ole days".

                    post 293 is fuuunny.


                    • I have to agree, post 292 hit home with me. I got my head messed up at the playground when I was little, got a lecture when I got home, then to the Dr to get sewn up, no pain medication, no hospital, no insurance, I was lucky I got the day off school to get fixed. If only Mom would have known, it scarred me for life, thats worth how much in pain & suffering - Heck, we were just lucky to be alive and have parents that cared and beat sense into us when we needed it. Look how we turned out today, well, some of us -

                      What else is there besides welding and riding. Besides that

                      Miller Thunderbolt XL 300/200 AC/DC
                      Hobart Handler 187
                      Dewalt Chop Saw
                      4" Air Grinder
                      Die Grinder
                      Rigid Drill Press
                      Kellogg 10hp Air Compressor

                      2009 FXDC


                      • Lawyers vs Farmers

                        A big city-slicker lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

                        As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

                        The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

                        The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here.."

                        The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

                        The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

                        The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

                        The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

                        The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

                        The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

                        His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

                        His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gush'n' from his mouth.

                        The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

                        The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and dragged himself to his feet.

                        Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

                        The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
                        At Home
                        Miller Thunderbolt XL AC/DC
                        Performance Tools 6" Bench Grinder
                        Craftsman Hand Tools
                        Craftsman Cordless Drills

                        DeWalt Angle Grinder
                        1976 AMC Jeep CJ7
                        1980 Ford F150 Custom
                        1994 Chevrolet Silverado C1500

                        At Work
                        Miller Bobcat 250
                        2 Miller MM251s
                        2 Miller MM252s
                        Miller Dialarc 250 AC/DC

                        Lincoln Idealarc 250 AC/DC
                        Snap-On Flux Core Welding Machine

                        Hypertherm Plasma Cutter
                        Victor Torches

                        2006 Chevrolet Silverado 2500HD 4x4

                        Proud American Ham KE5TJA


                        • that has GOT to be the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                          I'm not late...
                          I'm just on Hawaiian Time


                          • Bump

                            Common Tools Defined

                            DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

                            WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****..."

                            ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

                            SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

                            PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

                            BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

                            HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

                            VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

                            WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

                            OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

                            TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

                            HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

                            EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

                            E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

                            BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

                            TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

                            CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

                            AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

                            PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

                            STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

                            PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

                            HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

                            HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

                            MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

                            DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

                            What else is there besides welding and riding. Besides that

                            Miller Thunderbolt XL 300/200 AC/DC
                            Hobart Handler 187
                            Dewalt Chop Saw
                            4" Air Grinder
                            Die Grinder
                            Rigid Drill Press
                            Kellogg 10hp Air Compressor

                            2009 FXDC


                            • Grade this joke:
                              1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
                              Terrible Hilarious

                              Current grade is: 5.22


                              A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

                              The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

                              The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

                              The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

                              The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

                              The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

                              The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

                              The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

                              The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

                              The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

                              The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

                              Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

                              And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”
                              Miller Thunderbolt XL AC/DC
                              Lincoln AC-225S
                              Craftsman Hand Tools
                              DeWalt Angle Grinder
                              Performance Tools Bench Grinder
                              1994 Dodge Ram 2500 Diesel 4x4
                              1980 Ford F150 Custom
                              1983 Ford F250 4x4


                              • From Alabama

                                It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
                                Miller Thunderbolt XL AC/DC
                                Lincoln AC-225S
                                Craftsman Hand Tools
                                DeWalt Angle Grinder
                                Performance Tools Bench Grinder
                                1994 Dodge Ram 2500 Diesel 4x4
                                1980 Ford F150 Custom
                                1983 Ford F250 4x4