Humor Thread

[monte55]

An elderly couple were getting ready to go to the doctor for the mans
regular checkup. At the clinic the doctor gave the man three cups and requested a sperm, urine, and stool sample. Being very hard of hearing
and confused, he looked at his wife and asked "Huh...what he say".
She replied "He wants your underwear"

[beamwalker]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker-Night 10.3, Football 5.0, hunting/Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run they crash the system when selected..

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but Uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User (SEE REPLY BELOW)
______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem about which men are complaining.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run everything.

It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. and impossible to uninstall or purge from the system, once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. (Re: Wife 1.0 manual - Warnings/Alimony/Child-Support.)

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I furthermore suggest that you install the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be extremely high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean/sweep 3.0, Cook-It 1.5 and Do-Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5 and once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! Never, under any circumstance, install Short-Skirt-Secretary 3.3 because this application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to your entire operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[beamwalker]

The Dinner

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel alittle discomfort thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and she lets out a little "one". It wasn't loud but everyone at the table hear the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends dad looked at the dog that had been snoozing at the womans feet and said in a rather stern voice "Skippy!". A couple of minutes later she was beginning to feel pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let an even louer and longer "one" rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled "Skippy". Once again the woman smiled and thought yes! A few minutes later the woman let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. Once again the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled "Darnit Skippy get away from her before she poops on you!"

[beamwalker]

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has *** with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder ***. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
__________________

[beamwalker]

Redneck Jedi
You know you're a redneck jedi when..
You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
______________

[beamwalker]

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget
about the tooth ache.

AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really
are:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

[beamwalker]

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning
for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his
back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days,
you're gonna fart your guts out!"


One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and
gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs
and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling
to herself.


Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his
morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the
bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that
Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.


She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when
Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You
were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God
and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

[beamwalker]

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says,

"I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"

The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with."

[beamwalker]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
>
>A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
>husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One
>morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
>take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take
>the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to
>read her book.
>
>Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
>says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>
>"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
>
>"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
>
>"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
>
>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
>any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>
>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with ***ual assault," says the
>woman.
>
>"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
>
>"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
>start at any moment."
>
>"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

[beamwalker]

YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN...
* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You prefer to grind coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Reply With Quote

[Bert]

You guys got AWSOME jokes!!! Heard so many good ones, but forget most
(alzheimers...) Last good one I heard:

Man was in a coma from a car accident. Hooked up to oxygen, iv tubes and wires coming out all over his body, he woke up after a month. Realizing what happened and how he got there, he buzzed for the nurse. When the nurse rushed in, he said "Nurse, I really have to know!!! Are my ********s black?!!!"
"Sorry sir, I was informed to give you only a partial bed bath: your arms, face,legs and toes, that's all." After constant pleading with the nurse, she finally gave in. Lifting up his blanket and gown, looking and feeling his ********s, she replied "sir, I'll have you to know your ********s are not black."
The man sat up, removed the oxygen mask and replied "Nurse, thank you, that felt good and all that, but please listen to me carefully..."Are - my - test - results - back?"

[beamwalker]

True Bravery

True bravery is when you get home staggering drunk after a long night with the guys.
Then being assaulted by your wife with a broom and then having the guts to ask

"Are you cleaning or going to fly somewhere?

[beamwalker]

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE *** SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers"

[beamwalker]

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.




Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




Only in America.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.




EVER WONDER ...




Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?




Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?




Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?




Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?




Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?




Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?




Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?




Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?




Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!




Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?




If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)..in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[beamwalker]

APARTMENT FOR RENT

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to
spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before
he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash
with him, but he will have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250
and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
> >
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250
for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy
and at home.


However, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was
entirely too large.
> >
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:
> >
Dear Sir,
> >
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know
how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment
is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the
landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady.