Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

The Blonde Year In Review
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a ****** stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

[beamwalker]

Good Chicken Recipe
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for you guys who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. baking chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.
__________________

[beamwalker]

INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills.
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it.
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time.
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong.
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.
If you can face the world without lies and deceit.
If you can conquer tension without medical help.
If you can relax without liquor.
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.
If you can do all these things ............








THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG .......

[beamwalker]

MILITARY RULES

US Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

US Navy SEAL's Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
5. Wait for the Naval fleet to deploy the Marines.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a ****tail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drop off SEAL's
3. Drink Coffee.
4. Deploy the Marines.
5. Sit off shore and watch the fireworks
6. Drink Coffee

[beamwalker]

--Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have
bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

[beamwalker]

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.


There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."


Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.

What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,










"THE TEETH"

[beamwalker]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all
other system activity. Applications such as Poker
Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5,
and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm
thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.


Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0,
thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return
to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or
purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0
is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0
manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support. I
recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving
the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give
the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very
high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and
Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the
program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way
to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is
not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[beamwalker]

2005 Darwin Award Winners:
>
>1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
>during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot
>did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
>and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
>
>And now, the honorable mentions:
>
>2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
>machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
>insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
>its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
>finger The chef's claim was approved.
>
>3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
>during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman
>had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>
>4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
>found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
>from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
>incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
>waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
>mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
>and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
>days.
>
>5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
>wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
>injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
>he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
>
>6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
>counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
>the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
>the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
>fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
>got from the drawer..$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
>money, is a crime committed?)
>
>7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
>carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
>MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A Edit-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
>Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and
>doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been
>about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief
>got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
>event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
>words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a Edit-up!"
>
>8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
>he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
>booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
>at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
>on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
>of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
>
>9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
>grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
>woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
>Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
>car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
>and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
>officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
>
>10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
>Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
>demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
>open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
>rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
>frustrated, walked away.
>
>A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
>
>11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
>a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
>at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
>spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
>to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
>sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
>charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[beamwalker]

A true irishman................





Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford
Excursion into an Irish gas station.


An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware of whom the
golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing
his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his
pocket.


"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.


"They're called tees." replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my ***** on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those
fellas at FORD think of everything."

[bgurney]

Purina diet

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his ***** and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.

[beamwalker]

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
__________________

[beamwalker]

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)


We always hear "the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine..Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!!

[beamwalker]

A Rooster Named Ralph

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster. He wants chicks so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster named Ralph. He'll service every hen you got, no problem." Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000. It's a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gives the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of hens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun", the farmer said with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. Wham! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times. The farmer is shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham!, Ralph gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out, both feet sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you've done to yourself!"

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhsshh! They're getting closer."

[beamwalker]

here were two nuns... One of them was known as
Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!
What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what
has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,
so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down .

[beamwalker]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)







(its a real treat)







(a masterpiece)







(wait for it)









The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)



Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day.
__________________