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  • EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
    Company Policy:
    Effective from January 2005

    Dress Code
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
    salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci
    bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do
    not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
    manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes,
    and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right,
    you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not
    need a raise.

    Sick Days
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
    sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
    come to work.

    Personal Days
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
    called Saturday & Sunday.

    Bereavement Leave
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
    for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should
    be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In
    rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
    should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
    allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
    leave one hour early.

    Toilet Use
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is
    now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end
    of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
    will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be
    taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted
    on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders
    category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
    sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat
    more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15
    minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their
    average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
    that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.



    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
    provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
    questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
    irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
    accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
    directed elsewhere.

    Comment


    • Guess there is some levity in every profession.

      First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy
      class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
      table with the body covered with a white sheet.

      The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
      necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

      The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human
      body."
      For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
      in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his
      mouth.

      "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
      The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
      took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
      it.

      When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
      "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
      finger and sucked on my index finger.

      Now learn to pay attention."

      Comment


      • We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
        She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
        They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
        All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
        Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
        Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "****** off."
        __________________

        Comment


        • A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"

          The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

          A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said,

          "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece.

          Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field
          checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

          The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and
          you have to pay for that too."

          "What extras?" asked the salesman.

          Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for
          the final price of the cow..........

          BASIC COW...............................$500.00
          Two tone exterior........................$45.00
          Extra stomach............................$75.00
          Product storing equipment................$60.00
          Straw compartment.......................$120.00
          4 Spigots @$10 ea........................$40.00
          Leather upholstery......................$125.00
          Dual horns...............................$45.00
          Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00
          fertilizer attachment...................$185.00

          GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00

          Comment


          • The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

            1. Intaxication:
            Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

            2. Reintarnation:
            Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

            3. Bozone (n.):
            The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

            4. Foreploy:
            Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

            5. Cashtration (n.):
            The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

            6. Giraffiti:
            Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

            7. Sarchasm:
            The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

            8. Inoculatte:
            To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

            9. Hipatitis:
            Terminal coolness.

            10. Osteo****osis:
            A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

            11. Karmageddon:
            It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
            And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

            12. Decafalon (n.):
            The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

            13. Glibido:
            All talk and no action.

            14. Dopeler effect:
            The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

            15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
            The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

            16. Beelzebug (n.):
            Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

            17. Caterpallor (n.):
            The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


            18. Flabbergastric (n.):
            An obese person who is full of gas.

            Comment


            • New Scientific Discovery.

              A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet know to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

              Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

              Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re- organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

              This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re- organize, the morass you cover.
              __________________

              Comment


              • An Alien lands in the middle of the Desert and finds an abandoned gas station....he walks up to a gas pump and tells it "Take me to you leader"....no response so he kicks it and again tells it "Take me to you leader".....he pulls out his taser gun and showed it to the gas pump and warns it that if it doesn't comply he will destroy it so again he tells it "Take me to you leader" no reply so he shoots it and the station explodes sending the alien flying 1/2 mile or so.....the alien gets up and dusts himself off and shacking his head says I should have known he was a bad M.F.'r when I saw he had his own d@ck in his mouth.
                George W. Bush was saving your butt whether you liked it or not!
                Fear is temporary, regret is forever
                HH210 with SG

                Comment


                • Directions from NY to France

                  Take a look at item # 23.
                  http://maps.google.com/maps?ie=UTF-8...l=en&tab=wl&q=
                  George W. Bush was saving your butt whether you liked it or not!
                  Fear is temporary, regret is forever
                  HH210 with SG

                  Comment


                  • HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

                    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
                    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.Want to live longer? Take a nap.

                    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
                    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Veget ables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

                    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
                    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

                    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
                    A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

                    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regu lar exercise program?
                    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. It may allow you six more months in a nursing home in diapers. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

                    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
                    A: HELLO! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

                    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
                    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

                    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
                    A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans--another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

                    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
                    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

                    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
                    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

                    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - straw berries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

                    Comment


                    • After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
                      sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then
                      pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
                      that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
                      complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the
                      solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

                      P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
                      S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

                      P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
                      S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

                      P: Something loose in ****pit.
                      S: Something tightened in ****pit.

                      P: Dead bugs on windshield.
                      S: Live bugs on back-order.

                      P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mo! de produces a 200 feet per minute
                      descent.
                      S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

                      P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
                      S: Evidence removed.

                      P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
                      S: DME volume set to more believable level.

                      P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
                      S: That's what they're for.

                      P: IFF inoperative.
                      S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

                      P: Suspected crack in windshield.
                      S: Suspect you're right.

                      P: Number 3 engine missing.
                      S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

                      P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
                      S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

                      P: Target radar hums.
                      S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

                      P: Mouse in ****pit.
                      S: Cat installed.

                      And the best one for last .................

                      P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like! a midget
                      pounding on something with a hammer.
                      S: Took hammer away from midget
                      __________________

                      Comment


                      • Defect: The autopilot doesn't.

                        Action: IT DOES NOW.

                        Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
                        Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

                        Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
                        Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

                        Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
                        Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

                        Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
                        Action: Wound clock.

                        Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
                        Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

                        Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
                        Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

                        Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
                        Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

                        Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
                        Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

                        Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
                        Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

                        Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
                        Action: Ground checks OK.

                        Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
                        Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

                        Defect: Weather radar went ape!
                        Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

                        Comment


                        • A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
                          On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon, and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

                          "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

                          The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal' that you had a change of heart?"

                          The man responded, "No, it was the one about adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat."

                          Comment


                          • The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

                            “There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

                            A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

                            A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

                            "Matt's riding a new bike....."

                            "The Coopers are having ***!!"

                            Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having ***?"

                            "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

                            Comment


                            • A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

                              "What was that for?" he asked.

                              "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

                              "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

                              "Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

                              Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

                              When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

                              She replied, "Your horse called."

                              Comment


                              • Top Ten Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

                                10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

                                9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

                                8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

                                7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

                                6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

                                5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

                                4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

                                3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

                                2. "Who put decaf! in the wrong pot?"

                                And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk ..


                                Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
                                __________________

                                Comment

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