Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

A group of High school football coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To
save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach

Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them
stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

The first coach sleeps with Daryl and comes to breakfast next morning with
his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night."

The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing ,
hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened
to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player
looking type of man's man. Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright
eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."
They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened? He said, "Well, we
got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good
night. He watched me all night long."

[beamwalker]

GAMES FOR WHEN YOU GET OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

[beamwalker]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts."

"What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says,

"Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

[beamwalker]

A georgia game warden working near the georgia/alabama state line finds a raccoon in a trap, after close inspection he finds that the raccoon is from alabama. So he calls up his buddy who is a game warden for alabama and asked him to come and get this alabama coon. His friend asks, how do you it's a alabama coon and not a georgia coon? His reply, Well, He's done chewed three of his legs off and he's still in the trap.

[beamwalker]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr.Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop"!

[beamwalker]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[beamwalker]

Dear Husband:


West Virginia together! Have a great life! </SPAN></FONT></I></P>Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving yourletter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the KIND life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed, Rich and Free!

[beamwalker]

Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to
use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after
they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove
them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all
the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out
a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..
There are teachers, and then there are Educators!

[beamwalker]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It is guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work, in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" Embarrassed; the ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!

[beamwalker]

A love story
Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his lfe with Lorraine.

However, a beautiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.



And this is what he sang:






wait for it














its coming




"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

[beamwalker]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[beamwalker]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two Prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up
with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo
and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came
close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was
the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a ****tail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn
****tail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his
old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came
the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He
set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........


(scroll down)















I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

[beamwalker]

Hello....is anyone there?
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We
only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So
I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered
six McNuggets.

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items,
she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for
the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the
bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't
think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I
paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what had just happened.

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into
her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said
she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using
the ATM "thing"

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't
get into my car. Do you think they,( pointing to a
distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm,
too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The
front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in
the central office of a large bank. Employees in the
field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in
one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've
got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do
you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
it with wires to a photocopy machine.. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl
and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him
some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency room.

[beamwalker]

Whacky wisdom
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.....He
thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I smile because I don't know what the heck's going on.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10..I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

11..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

27.. Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

[beamwalker]

A construction error in the recently remodeled security entrance, which has a built-in scale designed to only let one person at a time pass through the door, has caused some embarrassing moments for officers who may not have spent enough time exercising.

Those weighing more than 230 pounds who try to pass through the entrance are greeted by a recorded voice telling them: "Stop! One at a time!" and are not let through, police spokeswoman Linda Widmark said.

She said the scale is supposed to be adjustable to let people weighing up to 350 pounds pass through, but an apparent construction error is playing tricks on those with ample girth.

"We'll have to get that fixed," Widmark said. "We've got some big strong men around here."

The security entrance is mainly for visitors and police denied entrance can use other doors.

"There are other options for them," she said.
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