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  • beamwalker
    replied
    Supposedly a true story relayed to a guy who was a friend of the Army Ranger who did this:

    I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

    After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

    I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what Imade:

    I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took outthree of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and oliveoil.

    In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and ricetogether to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

    When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda likevelveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

    For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up andstirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.Voila--Ranger Pudding.

    For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each -Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

    I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China, and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

    She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

    We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

    At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

    Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

    Let the games begin.

    She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

    After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What is WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.

    This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

    Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

    I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

    She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!” I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

    Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

    After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?” After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

    She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't poop for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

    It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever pooped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

    I know, I'm a jerk, but it was still a funny night.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused
    her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and
    sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor
    about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl.

    The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

    The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

    Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" Denise," the doctor answers.

    The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

    Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies,
    "Denephew."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

    HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

    HUSBAND: "I guess so."

    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

    WIFE: - - - silence - - -

    HUSBAND: - - - gulp - - -

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
    found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he
    asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
    Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided
    to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
    drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river
    (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
    Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
    carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
    "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
    disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A cowboy in Montana got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to
    try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."

    So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

    Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's rear?"

    The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's rear."

    The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the cowboy says,"Hard to fool them flies though."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
    short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
    location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
    was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
    exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
    call sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
    now."

    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
    been to Frankfurt before?"

    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
    didn't land."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through
    a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
    fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
    climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
    the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
    gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
    A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
    decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,
    too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but
    the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting
    there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get
    out.
    The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the
    shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
    He did.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing
    aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can
    hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a
    conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!"
    "You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"
    The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes
    after two."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
    unusual offer.

    "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
    get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
    and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
    it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
    bill and walked away satisfied.

    It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
    that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
    time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye
    and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
    every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your
    life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will
    not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

    The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
    Then, he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

    The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made
    me a much better offer."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
    you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press--no one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or, after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk with you.
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the
    refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to
    see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room
    with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
    "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
    "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so
    Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
    The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly
    having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom?
    How do you spell 'zilla'?"

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    To: All EMS Personnel
    From: Chief of Operations
    Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

    It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following:

    1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

    2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

    3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to ****), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

    4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

    5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

    6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

    7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

    8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up", ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no longer playing records).
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

    1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

    2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

    3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

    4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

    5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

    6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

    7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

    8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

    9. Your junior prom offered day care.

    10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

    11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

    12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

    13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

    14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

    15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

    16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

    17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

    Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

    They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

    The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

    The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

    The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

    The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible! It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

    The other brothers were impressed.

    After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

    "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

    "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

    "Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

    "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
    __________________

    Leave a comment:

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