Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

The Old Man's Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to a Wal-Mart in Arkansas

Name: (insert name here)

***: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least one who will cooperate)

Desired Position: Company president or Vice President, but seriously, whatever is available, If I was in a position to be picky, i wouldnt be applying here in the first place.

Desired Salary: 185,000 a year, plus stock options and a Micheal Ovitz style severance package, if thats not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle

Education: yes

Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility

Previous salary: A lot less than what im worth

Most notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post it notes

Reason for leaving: It sucked

Hours to work: Any

Preferred Hours: 1:30-3:30 on Monday Tuesday and Thursday

Do you have any special skills?: yes but they are better suited for an intimate environment

May we contact your current employer?: If i had one, would i be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?

Do you have a car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, do you have a car that runs?

Have you received any special awards or recognitions?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, or so they tell me.

Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks, yes

What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously welathy dumb, ***y, blonde supermodel who thinks im the greatest thing since sliced bread, well actually id like to be doing that now

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Oh yes, absolutely

Sign here: Sagittarius

Wal-mart ended up hiring the old man because he was so funny

[beamwalker]

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the ***, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I'm a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half
the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in *** to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in *** and he is a doctor.....
Now what do I do?

[beamwalker]

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man.... I've been transferred to Texas," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in Texas....and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate...."
"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Houston."

[beamwalker]

A salesman knocks on the door and a little old lady answers. He asked if he could have a few minutes of her time, she says sure come on in. They sit down and she offers him some peanuts. While he was talking he ate most of them gone, and said he was sorry for eating so many. She said, that's ok with these new dentures all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.

[beamwalker]

Selling Tomatoes

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing whereto turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you had all of that five years ago!"

" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

[beamwalker]

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.

"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks.

"Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.

"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that the walks over to the window and opens it.

He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20...30...40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

"Try it?! I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.

"Well what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20...30...40... 50...60...70...80...90...100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

[beamwalker]

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be *** here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."

(**** SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

Marriage (Part V)

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[beamwalker]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a "thank-you" note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those idiots deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[beamwalker]

Way down in Lou'siana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come for her to deliver. So he took her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Ain't that grand!"

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet! "The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter! She's a purty lil thang, too."

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy! You must be mighty proud."

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you 'member that nite what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that thar 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba replies, "Man, it's a good thang we didn't use no WD-40!"

[beamwalker]

Women are evil by nature........

A ***y woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard..
Are you the manager she asked: softly stoking his face with both hands.
Actually no..he replied.
Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him: she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
I'm afraid I can't..breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do...
Yes I need for you to give him a message:
She continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

What should I tell him: the bartender managed to say...

Tell him...she whispered:
There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room

[beamwalker]

Self-Evident Truths About Pets

* Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

* Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

* Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

* Dogs shed, cats shred.

* I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

* No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

* Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

* I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

* Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

* We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

* Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

[beamwalker]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in
>> a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were
>> strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
>> everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
>> could move apart and then slide back together again.
>>
>> The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
>>
>> The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
>> ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
>> idea'r what it is."
>>
>> While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
>> lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
>> button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
>> room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
>> circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
>> to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
>> light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
>> gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
>>
>> The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
>> his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....

[beamwalker]

DUSTY UNDERWEAR
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"


She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

[beamwalker]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies & before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him & he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use & trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, & figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans & strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of & says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back & see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back & thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, & just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[beamwalker]

Signs:

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"


On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."



Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in"



On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."



On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."



Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."



At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."



On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"



At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."



On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."



In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire

and take appropriate action."





On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."



At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place."



On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."



In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."



On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."



At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."



Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary we hear you coming."



In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"



At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."



In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."



In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait"




At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."



And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak.