Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

BAD DAY AT WORK

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy...

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2
on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make
you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my
job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me
to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put
the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was
swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

[beamwalker]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love Pop

! A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[beamwalker]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions
when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed
by pissing and moaning

[beamwalker]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[beamwalker]

Stupid Statements made by famous people.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

[beamwalker]

I'll trust you that you paid

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9. But I paid, don't you remember? says the customer. Okay, says the bartender, If you said you paid, you did. The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it. Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-***** when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose. Don't bother me with your troubles, the final patron responds. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.

Driving home very drunk

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. Are you Mr. Johnson? the asked? He admitted that he was. Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence? Again, the man admitted that was he. And what did you do then, the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. Where is your car now? the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. May we see the car? asked the troopers. The man answered, Sure, and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

I get so drunk that I imagine things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, What do you have in there, pal? A mongoose. What for? Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection. But, the friend said, you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes. That's okay, said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, So is the mongoose.

[beamwalker]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE......I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock at the door one day met by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning if you've got a minute I'd like to demonstrate the very latest in vacuum technology" The lady said "Go away! I don't have any money!" and she proceded to close the door but quick as a flash the man lodged his foot in the door. "Don't be to hasty not until you've seen my demonstration" he dumps a bucket of horse manure onto her carpet. "If this vacuum doesn't remove all traces of this manure from your carpet I will eat the remainer" The old lady stepped back and said "I hope your hungry because they cut off the electricity this morning"

[beamwalker]

college redneck

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recline r, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' S.O.B.!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[beamwalker]

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when
a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed
to the twosome. After two holes they were even.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched. How about
playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but
agreed to the terms. The second guy then won the remaining
sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting
his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The golf pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to
return the money.

The Priest said, "No, you won fair and square and I was foolish
to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest answered, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and
father along, I'll marry them."

[beamwalker]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
__________________

[beamwalker]

An Irishman Paddy Devine went to see his doctor the doctor sighed and said" I've got bad news you've got cancer and you'd best put your affairs in order"
Paddy shocked walked into the waiting room where his son sat "Son we Irish celebrate when things are good and when things are bad. In this case things are bad I have cancer. Lets go to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints things were less somber and there was some laughs. Some of Paddy friends came over to see what they were celebrating.
Paddy told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS" The friends gave Paddy their condolences.
After the friends left Paddy's son leans over and whispered "dad I thought the doctor said you were dying of cancer you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS?"
Paddy Devine leans over and says "I don't want any of them marrying your mother after I'm gone"

[beamwalker]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
"Well I can think of one thing" the man offered
"Once on a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota I came up on a gang of high testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I insisted they leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."
"So, I approached the largest and most tattoed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over and yanked out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled,"now back off! Or you'll have to answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago"

[beamwalker]

There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a
really tall tree.

The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear
climbed down and went away.

So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this
time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree,
the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher
still, so the bears couldn't reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.

Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two
bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.

Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.

[beamwalker]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. ****er Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

[beamwalker]

While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir, NC., were in the local
Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won First Place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and
extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won Sixth Prize; a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.

Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great! I love
spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you. How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good", replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to toilet paper.