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  • beamwalker
    replied
    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    "What are you doing?" She asked.

    "Hunting Flies" He responded.

    "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    I got a good one here...

    This could be most anyplace.

    A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

    The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

    "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

    "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

    "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look, both ways, and proceed with caution."

    "You gotta be kidding me!"

    "It's no joke, sir."

    "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

    "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

    "You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

    "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
    registration immediately!"

    "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

    The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

    Teaching by example is not a lost art...

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Auto Acronyms...

    Auto Acronyms What car names really stand for:

    AUDI: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

    BMW: Big Money Works

    CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

    DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Dirty Old Dude Goes Everywhere

    FIAT: Fix It All the Time

    FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill, Found On Road Dead Backwards Driver Returns on Foot, Fix Or Repair Daily

    GMC: Garage Man's Companion, Great Mexican Cadillac

    HONDA: Had One, Never Did Again

    HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing is Drivable and Inexpensive

    JEEP: Just Expect Essential Parts

    MG: Might be Good

    PONTIAC: Poor Old Nut Thinks It's A Cadillac

    SAAB: Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

    TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

    VOLVO: Very Odd-Looking Vehicular Object

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Airbag Contest a Success!
    DETROIT -- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

    The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

    "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

    Though it does not officially begin until July 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

    "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

    "It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

    GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck
    had broken down.

    The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you
    going to San Diego? "

    "Sure, " answered the blonde, "do you need a lift? "

    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours
    fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
    chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
    San Diego Zoo.

    They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

    Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you
    $100 for your trouble. "

    "I'd be happy to, " said the blonde.

    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back
    seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into
    their seat belts. Off they went.

    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
    through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was
    horrified!!

    There was the blonde walking down the street and
    holding hands with the two chimps, much to the
    amusement of a big crowd.

    With a screech of brakes he
    pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

    "What the heck are you doing here? " he demanded, "I
    gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo! "

    "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,

    "But we had
    money left over, so now we're going to Sea World!"
    __________________

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
    suitcases.
    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room
    table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound
    of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had
    finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp
    shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
    with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the
    house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the
    place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
    Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
    Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ...
    Repairmen refused to work in the house ... The maid quit.
    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
    A month later, even though they had cut their pr ice in half, they could not
    find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the
    local realtors refused to return their calls.
    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
    purchase a new place.
    The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
    her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
    missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
    settlement in exchange for getting the house back ...
    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
    price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she
    were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers
    delivered the paperwork.
    A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
    watched the moving the moving company pack everything to take to their new home

    ... including the curtain rods.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    WIFE VS. HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Monday, May 2

    Dear Friends:

    It is important for men to remember that as women grow Older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of Housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

    Signed, Bob

    Bob's funeral was on Saturday, May 7th.

    Nancy was acquitted Monday, May 9th.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Arresting Quotations


    The following were taken off of "actual" police car videos around the country.

    "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worth less document."

    "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

    "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

    "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

    "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

    "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

    "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

    "Just how big were those two beers?"

    "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

    "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

    "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    WORK vs PRISON

    IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
    AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8
    cubicle.

    IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
    it.

    IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all
    the doors for yourself.

    IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee
    on the seat.

    IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

    IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
    required.
    AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and
    they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
    get out.
    AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
    go inside bars.

    IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK...........they are called managers.

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
    This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour
    of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is
    full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

    The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you
    make a week?"

    A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
    "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

    The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's
    four weeks pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around
    the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did
    here?"

    With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza
    delivery guy from Domino's."

    Leave a comment:


  • weldingman251
    replied
    i thought this was supposed to b a u might b a welder if jokes

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Obedient Wife

    There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
    money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died,
    he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
    it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with
    me."

    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
    he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

    Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
    there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
    the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
    the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

    She had a box with her, she came over with the ! box and put it in the
    casket.

    Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
    So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
    money in there with your husband."

    The loyal wife replied," Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

    You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

    "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
    account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

    Leave a comment:


  • beamwalker
    replied
    Texas surgeons
    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
    surgeries they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist
    lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later
    he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

    One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms
    and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a
    gold medal in field events at the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several yeas ago, a
    cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into
    a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was
    the horse's buttocks and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United
    States."

    Leave a comment:

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