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  • She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room
    table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound
    of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had
    finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp
    shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
    with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the
    house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the
    place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
    Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
    Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit ...
    Repairmen refused to work in the house ... The maid quit.
    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
    A month later, even though they had cut their pr ice in half, they could not
    find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the
    local realtors refused to return their calls.
    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
    purchase a new place.
    The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
    her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
    missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
    settlement in exchange for getting the house back ...
    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
    price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she
    were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers
    delivered the paperwork.
    A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
    watched the moving the moving company pack everything to take to their new home

    ... including the curtain rods.


    • A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck
      had broken down.

      The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you
      going to San Diego? "

      "Sure, " answered the blonde, "do you need a lift? "

      "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours
      fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
      chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
      San Diego Zoo.

      They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.

      Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you
      $100 for your trouble. "

      "I'd be happy to, " said the blonde.

      So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back
      seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into
      their seat belts. Off they went.

      Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
      through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was

      There was the blonde walking down the street and
      holding hands with the two chimps, much to the
      amusement of a big crowd.

      With a screech of brakes he
      pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

      "What the heck are you doing here? " he demanded, "I
      gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo! "

      "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,

      "But we had
      money left over, so now we're going to Sea World!"


      • Airbag Contest a Success!
        DETROIT -- With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

        The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.

        "Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

        Though it does not officially begin until July 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

        "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

        "It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.

        GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000. Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion." Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier," said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong."


        • John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"


          • Auto Acronyms...

            Auto Acronyms What car names really stand for:

            AUDI: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

            BMW: Big Money Works

            CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

            DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Dirty Old Dude Goes Everywhere

            FIAT: Fix It All the Time

            FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill, Found On Road Dead Backwards Driver Returns on Foot, Fix Or Repair Daily

            GMC: Garage Man's Companion, Great Mexican Cadillac

            HONDA: Had One, Never Did Again

            HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing is Drivable and Inexpensive

            JEEP: Just Expect Essential Parts

            MG: Might be Good

            PONTIAC: Poor Old Nut Thinks It's A Cadillac

            SAAB: Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

            TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

            VOLVO: Very Odd-Looking Vehicular Object


            • I got a good one here...

              This could be most anyplace.

              A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

              The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

              "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

              "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

              "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look, both ways, and proceed with caution."

              "You gotta be kidding me!"

              "It's no joke, sir."

              "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

              "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

              "You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

              "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
              registration immediately!"

              "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

              The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

              Teaching by example is not a lost art...


              • A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

                "What are you doing?" She asked.

                "Hunting Flies" He responded.

                "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

                "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

                Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

                He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


                • Here's some news:
                  Seems that George Bush and Colin Powell had had enough of the talliban and bin ladin so they go to Afganistan for a meeting. They tell the talliban that if they don't get bin ladin they are going to bomb the place back to the time before Adam and Eve.
                  bin ladin says "now guys, we can settle this once and for all without all this blood shed. Here is what we'll do. We'll settle this with a dog fight to the death. If our dog wins y'all go back to the U S of A and we'll go about our business. If your dog wins we'll stop terrorism and make the deserts green with crops."
                  George looks over at Colin and winks. " Whata ya think, Colin ??" Colin says" I'm with you master".

                  So the deal is struck. In 3 years they will return for the final dog fight.

                  3 years later on the plains of Afganistan.
                  bin ladin rolls out the meanest deadliest looking wolflike dog ever to walk the planet. It's 4 feet tall at the shoulders and weighs 300 pounds. It takes 4 camels to hold it back.
                  George Bush says "not bad bin ladin. Hey Colin, have the boys bring out Rover" So CP goes back to the chopper and has 4 Marine Special Forces and 4 Navy Seals drag Rover out. They set him on the ground a couple feet away from the wolf. bin ladin is beside himself laughing at the giant Dachund that Colin Powell is holding by a silver chain. This dog is 20 feet long with his belly dragging on the ground.

                  George Bush says " ok on 3 we let them go" one, two, three. sic 'im Rover". There is a very great snapping and crunching sound. When it is all quiet and the dust settles, the wolf is gone except for a few hairs laying on the ground. The giant Dachund is still standing but with a bit more of his belly resting on the ground.

                  bin ladin says " how could that long fat dog eat my wolf.??" George Bush says " well we had to work hard to get the stem cell research going but we finally succeeded in breeding a Dachund with a Florida Alligator". Come with us bin laddin ms. Rice wants to meet you. haha


                  • THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

                    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
                    [no, really]?

                    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
                    [now that's taking things a bit far]!

                    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
                    [what a guy]!

                    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
                    [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!

                    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
                    [see if that works any better than a fair trial]!

                    War Dims Hope for Peace
                    [I can see where it might have that effect!]

                    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
                    [you think]?

                    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
                    [who would have thunk it]!

                    Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
                    [they may be on to something]!

                    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
                    [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?

                    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
                    [he probably IS the battery charge]!

                    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
                    [weren't they fat enough]?

                    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
                    [Taste like chicken?]

                    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
                    [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

                    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
                    [Boy, are they tall!]

                    And the winner is....

                    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


                    • Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
                      One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
                      Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


                      • A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on
                        a flight across the country. After the plane was
                        airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked
                        for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed
                        before him. The flight attendant then asked the
                        minister if he would like a drink.
                        He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
                        by brazen *****s than let liquor touch these lips."
                        The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight
                        attendant and said, "Heck, me too. I didn't know we
                        got a choice."


                        • A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
                          The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
                          The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
                          "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
                          "Thanks" the girl says.
                          The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's groin.
                          "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
                          The little girl pauses, then replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


                          • Two men were driving through Tennessee when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.
                            The Trooper walked up to the car and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled his window down and Whack the Trooper hit him in the head with his nightstick.
                            "What the heck was that for?"
                            "Your in Tenn. son your suppose to have your license out when we get to the window"
                            "I'm sorry officer I'm not from around here"
                            The Trooper runs a check on his license, he's clean and gives his license back and walks around to the passengers side and taps on the window with his nightstick.
                            The passenger rolls his window down and Whack the Trooper hits him in the head with his nightstick.
                            "What the heck was that for?"
                            "Just making your wish come true" the Trooper replies
                            "Making what wish come true?"
                            Because I know your type, 2 miles down the road your going to turn to your buddy and say "I wish that jerk would have tried that stuff with me"


                            • Actual Classified Ads in the Newspaper
                              FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
                              8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

                              FREE PUPPIES:
                              1/2 ****er Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

                              FREE PUPPIES
                              Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

                              FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD
                              85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

                              FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
                              Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be a reward.

                              COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
                              Also 1 *** bull for sale.

                              NORDIC TRACK $300
                              Hardly used, call Chubby

                              GEORGIA PEACHES
                              California grown - 89 cents lb.

                              JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
                              Must sell washer and dryer $300

                              WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
                              WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

                              (AND THE BEST ONE)
                              FOR SALE BY OWNER:
                              Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
                              45 volumes. Excellent condition.
                              $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got
                              married last month. Wife knows everything.


                              • TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFFS....

                                NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
                                first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

                                INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
                                Notes >From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to
                                Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
                                cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

                                Here are the scorecards from the event:

                                CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

                                JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
                                JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
                                FRANK: Holy crap, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
                                Texans are crazy.
                                __________________________________________________ _______
                                CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
                                JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
                                JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
                                FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face
                                CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
                                JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
                                JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
                                FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
                                have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ---- -faced from all the beer.
                                __________________________________________________ __________
                                CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
                                JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
                                JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
                                FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. She is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
                                __________________________________________________ _____
                                CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
                                JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshley ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
                                JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
                                the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
                                FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
                                no longer focus my eyes. I pass some gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really T’s me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
                                __________________________________________________ ______
                                CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
                                JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
                                JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
                                FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soled myself when I passed some gas and I worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bottom with a snow cone!
                                __________________________________________________ _____
                                CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
                                JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
                                JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
                                chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
                                FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
                                My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
                                __________________________________________________ __
                                CHILI # 8 BILLY BOB'S SMOKIN BUTT CHILI
                                JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
                                JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
                                pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Frank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?