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  • beamwalker

    A little old lady answered a knock at the door one day met by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning if you've got a minute I'd like to demonstrate the very latest in vacuum technology" The lady said "Go away! I don't have any money!" and she proceded to close the door but quick as a flash the man lodged his foot in the door. "Don't be to hasty not until you've seen my demonstration" he dumps a bucket of horse manure onto her carpet. "If this vacuum doesn't remove all traces of this manure from your carpet I will eat the remainer" The old lady stepped back and said "I hope your hungry because they cut off the electricity this morning"

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  • beamwalker
    I'll trust you that you paid

    A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9. But I paid, don't you remember? says the customer. Okay, says the bartender, If you said you paid, you did. The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it. Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-***** when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose. Don't bother me with your troubles, the final patron responds. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.

    Driving home very drunk

    It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. Are you Mr. Johnson? the asked? He admitted that he was. Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence? Again, the man admitted that was he. And what did you do then, the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. Where is your car now? the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. May we see the car? asked the troopers. The man answered, Sure, and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

    I get so drunk that I imagine things

    The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, What do you have in there, pal? A mongoose. What for? Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection. But, the friend said, you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes. That's okay, said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, So is the mongoose.

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  • beamwalker
    Stupid Statements made by famous people.
    `````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````
    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

    "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

    "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

    "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

    "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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  • beamwalker
    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

    "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

    When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

    "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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  • beamwalker
    An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
    failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions
    when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
    The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
    psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

    He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
    subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
    moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

    Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
    chain and collar.
    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
    number was called.
    4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
    urinate on himself and the ground.
    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed
    by pissing and moaning

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  • beamwalker
    An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you
    would dig the plot for me.
    Love Pop

    ! A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
    Love, Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Vinnie

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  • beamwalker

    If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
    This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
    Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy...

    Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
    He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
    E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2
    on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
    experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

    Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
    week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
    lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make
    you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
    happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my

    As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
    to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite

    So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
    industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
    water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

    It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
    taped to the air hose.

    Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
    with no complaints.

    What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the
    hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.
    This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

    Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
    itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

    Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
    from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
    happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
    it into my suit.

    Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
    stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

    When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
    the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive
    supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
    His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
    other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

    Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
    agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes
    before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry

    When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
    helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
    laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me
    to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put
    the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was
    swollen shut.

    So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
    worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

    Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

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  • beamwalker

    NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

    Notes >From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to
    Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:


    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy crap, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
    Texans are crazy.
    __________________________________________________ _______
    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ---- -faced from all the beer.
    __________________________________________________ __________
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. She is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    __________________________________________________ _____
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshley ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I pass some gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really T’s me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    __________________________________________________ ______
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soled myself when I passed some gas and I worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bottom with a snow cone!
    __________________________________________________ _____
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a **** thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
    My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff to match my **** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    __________________________________________________ __
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
    pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Frank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

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  • beamwalker
    Actual Classified Ads in the Newspaper
    8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

    1/2 ****er Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

    Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

    85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

    Looks like a rat ... been out a while..better be a reward.

    Also 1 *** bull for sale.

    Hardly used, call Chubby

    California grown - 89 cents lb.

    Must sell washer and dryer $300

    WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
    45 volumes. Excellent condition.
    $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got
    married last month. Wife knows everything.

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  • beamwalker
    Two men were driving through Tennessee when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.
    The Trooper walked up to the car and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled his window down and Whack the Trooper hit him in the head with his nightstick.
    "What the heck was that for?"
    "Your in Tenn. son your suppose to have your license out when we get to the window"
    "I'm sorry officer I'm not from around here"
    The Trooper runs a check on his license, he's clean and gives his license back and walks around to the passengers side and taps on the window with his nightstick.
    The passenger rolls his window down and Whack the Trooper hits him in the head with his nightstick.
    "What the heck was that for?"
    "Just making your wish come true" the Trooper replies
    "Making what wish come true?"
    Because I know your type, 2 miles down the road your going to turn to your buddy and say "I wish that jerk would have tried that stuff with me"

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  • beamwalker
    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
    The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
    The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
    "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
    "Thanks" the girl says.
    The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's groin.
    "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
    The little girl pauses, then replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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  • beamwalker
    A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on
    a flight across the country. After the plane was
    airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked
    for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed
    before him. The flight attendant then asked the
    minister if he would like a drink.
    He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped
    by brazen *****s than let liquor touch these lips."
    The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight
    attendant and said, "Heck, me too. I didn't know we
    got a choice."

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  • beamwalker
    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
    Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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  • beamwalker
    THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    [no, really]?

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    [now that's taking things a bit far]!

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    [what a guy]!

    Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    [see if that works any better than a fair trial]!

    War Dims Hope for Peace
    [I can see where it might have that effect!]

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    [you think]?

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    [who would have thunk it]!

    Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    [they may be on to something]!

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
    [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?

    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    [he probably IS the battery charge]!

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    [weren't they fat enough]?

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    [Taste like chicken?]

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    [Boy, are they tall!]

    And the winner is....

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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  • beamwalker
    Here's some news:
    Seems that George Bush and Colin Powell had had enough of the talliban and bin ladin so they go to Afganistan for a meeting. They tell the talliban that if they don't get bin ladin they are going to bomb the place back to the time before Adam and Eve.
    bin ladin says "now guys, we can settle this once and for all without all this blood shed. Here is what we'll do. We'll settle this with a dog fight to the death. If our dog wins y'all go back to the U S of A and we'll go about our business. If your dog wins we'll stop terrorism and make the deserts green with crops."
    George looks over at Colin and winks. " Whata ya think, Colin ??" Colin says" I'm with you master".

    So the deal is struck. In 3 years they will return for the final dog fight.

    3 years later on the plains of Afganistan.
    bin ladin rolls out the meanest deadliest looking wolflike dog ever to walk the planet. It's 4 feet tall at the shoulders and weighs 300 pounds. It takes 4 camels to hold it back.
    George Bush says "not bad bin ladin. Hey Colin, have the boys bring out Rover" So CP goes back to the chopper and has 4 Marine Special Forces and 4 Navy Seals drag Rover out. They set him on the ground a couple feet away from the wolf. bin ladin is beside himself laughing at the giant Dachund that Colin Powell is holding by a silver chain. This dog is 20 feet long with his belly dragging on the ground.

    George Bush says " ok on 3 we let them go" one, two, three. sic 'im Rover". There is a very great snapping and crunching sound. When it is all quiet and the dust settles, the wolf is gone except for a few hairs laying on the ground. The giant Dachund is still standing but with a bit more of his belly resting on the ground.

    bin ladin says " how could that long fat dog eat my wolf.??" George Bush says " well we had to work hard to get the stem cell research going but we finally succeeded in breeding a Dachund with a Florida Alligator". Come with us bin laddin ms. Rice wants to meet you. haha

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