Humor Thread

[beamwalker]

Ok to get this thread started just tell us jokes but keep them clean.

why does a blond have tgif inside their shoes?
toes go in first

[beamwalker]

old man has been going to pet store for years to buy his pet food. One day he goes in and a parrot is in the back that notices him and squawks to get his attention and tells the man to come here he has something to tell him. Well the old man goes back there and the parrot tells him to lean down ive got something to tell you. The man leans down and parrot says "your the ugliest person ive ever seen!" The old man is preturbed so he goes to buy his food and leaves. This goes one again the following week, and the week after that. Well the man is quite ill about it and goes to the manager and complains that this parrot is very disrespectful, ive been a customer for a long time and i will take my business elsware if it continues. The manager assures him that it will not happen again. The next week goes by and the old man enters the store. The parrot sees him and beckons the man over. The parrot says "lean down here ive got something to tell you." the man leans over close to the parrot and the parrot looks him in the eye and says "youuuu know."

[harcosparky]

Irish Humor - St Patty's Day

QUESTION: What do you call an Irish girl who sits out on the deck all day and night?

ANSWER: Patty O'Furniture


QUESTION: What the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Wake?


ANSWER: One less drunk!

[monte55]

What do you call a fly without wings?......a walk

what do you call a dog with no legs?..........doesn't matter....he won't come anyway

[beamwalker]

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY



1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever yo! u go out to eat - with a serious
face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't come to their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers call you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ... e-mail
this to someone to make them smile. It's called therapy.

[beamwalker]

Nine Months Later



Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.



"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"



"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.

And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.



Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.



But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.



He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"



"Yes, I do." said Bob



"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"



"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."



"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"



Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"



"She just died and left me everything."



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

[monte55]

When at a garage sale.........offer triple the amount wanted for an item. Insist that they sign a contract so they will be less apt to change their mind.

[beamwalker]

ented Gynecologist
>>
>>A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance
>>and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another
>>career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to
>>change careers and become a mechanic.
>>
>>He found out from the local technical college what was involved,
>>signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned
>>all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached,
>>the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed
>>the exam with tremendous skill.
>>
>>When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
>>had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the
>>instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
>>outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error
>>which needed adjusting."
>>
>>The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
>>apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You
>>put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
>>worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say,
>>"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through
>>the muffler."
______________

[beamwalker]

This could be most anyplace.

A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look, both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

Teaching by example is not a lost art..........
__________________

[beamwalker]

Subject: FW: Disorder In The Court!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you ***ually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

[beamwalker]

WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the ****pit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

[beamwalker]

An Old Farmer In Kansas Had Owned A Large Farm For Several Years. He Had A Large Pond In The Back, -- Fixed Up Nice; Picnic Tables, Horseshoe Courts, And Some Apple And Peach Trees. The Pond Was Properly Shaped And Fixed Up For Swimming When It Was Built.
One Evening The Old Farmer Decided To Go Down To The Pond, As He Hadn't Been There For A While, And Look It Over. He Grabbed A Five Gallon Bucket To Bring Back Some Fruit. As He Neared The Pond, He Heard Voices Shouting And Laughing With Glee. As He Came Closer He Saw It Was A Bunch Of Young Women Skinny-dipping In His Pond. He Made The Women Aware Of His Presence And They All Went To The Deep End Of The Pond. One Of The Women Shouted To Him, "we're Not Coming Out Until You Leave!"

The Old Man Frowned, "i Didn't Come Down Here To Watch You Ladies Swim Naked Or Make You Get Out Of The Pond Naked." Holding The Bucket Up He Said, "i'm Just Here To Feed The Alligator."

Moral: Old Age And Cunning Will Triumph Over Youth And Enthusiasm Every Time.
__________________

[tsalagi]

an ol' boy was coming up from the river with an ice chest full of fish when he came face to face with the game warden. the game warden asked if he had a fishing license. the guy said "no".
the game warden asked " what are you doing with al of them fish then?"
ol' boy answered, "theese are my pet fish, sir. you see, every so often i bring them down to let them swim arround. when it's time, i whistle and they all jump back in the ice chest."
the game warden said " yeah, right."
the ol' boy says " come on watch."
he dumps the fish in the river and after a while the game warden says "you gonna whistle for them?"
"for who?"
"the fish"
"what fish?"

[beamwalker]

Redneck Church
-------------------------

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the
"OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500
members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as
"branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is
what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are
really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife
drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet"
applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now Ya Hear!"
keep em coming

[tsalagi]

a 90 year old man and a 60 year old woman were getting married and went to the doctor for physicals and blood tests. the old woman went in and given her age, she was in fine health. as was the old man but, the old man asked for a sperm count.
the doctor said "sir, given your age and her age, i don't advise you two trying to have kids."
the old man answered, "look here doc, i'm paying you for your services so just do what i ask."
so, the doctor handed him a cup, told him to fill it as full as he could and bring it back. the old man returned with an empty cup.
the doc said, "sir,as your doctor i have to ask why the cup is empty."
the old man said, "doc, i tried with my right hand and it got tired so i tried with my left hand and it got tired. then i got her to help me and she tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out, we couldn't get the lid off the stinkin' thing for nothin."